Time Wasting is an Art

If I am to successfully waste my time, then I need to be interested in more things. I cannot only allow myself to be entertained by certain types of TV shows, because that is all I want to do, watch TV, and only the shows I consider worthy. It becomes annoying at times like this, when I have run out of episodes to watch of the series I like, and no new series have popped up to claim my interest. I have nothing else to do, and I don't want to do any physical tasks, such as clean, so I am left trying to waste time on the web, vainly.

So far, I have:

• Checked Dramabeans and Dramacrazy
• Deleted only a few of the people-I-will-never-talk-to-again off my Facebook account. It took much longer than I'd been hoping, which is why I only deleted a few.
• Stalked good looking and *successful* men on Facebook.
• Checked Dramabeans and Dramacrazy
• Stalked acquaintances on  Facebook.
• Checked Dramabeans and Dramacrazy
• Stalked actual friends on Facebook.
• Checked Dramabeans and Dramacrazy
• Stalked myself on Facebook. (By looking at my own pictures of when I used to be happy and successful....I used to be so happy and successful!!)
• Trolled wedding pictures online.
• Checked Ch131
• Checked Dramabeans and Dramacrazy
• Started reading an article, got bored.
• Read an article about these awesome Muslim American football players that took time off to make the pilgrimage to Meccah; the article was linked by someone on Facebook.

As you can see, I am apparently very limited in what I find interesting; looking into the "inner" worlds of good looking and successful people. If an activity does not include such, then I am instantly bored. Sigh.

Updates

• I'll be leaving for Japan/Korea in 10 days!!!!!!!!!!!! o.0 It's gonna happen, y'all.
• I have to clean before I leave. Yuck. My room, my bed (which I use as a large table to hold all of my food), my car, my clothes.  I have been trying to find motivation ALL week. It has yet to be found.
• I've been bored. 
• Because I'm not in school, and I only work, I've found myself to be really bored lately. The first couple months, I was ok with wasting my time on the internet, reading, working, and then volunteering a little bit.  But now, I feel like I've exhausted all the entertainment I can get out of those. I need to entertain myself in different ways. But this requires effort, so I've just been sleeping more, which is SUPER bad, because that can lead me to feeling cranky and/or depressed. I don't know if this is because I'm itching to start my trip already, if I'm finally (???) ready to start classes again, or a combination of both. I'll definitely be less bored next semester!
• I've been re-admitted, officially.
• I can only take two classes, and they have to be classes I've failed, so I will be re-taking two anthropology classes. I'll have a phone appointment with my advisor next week to sign me up for the classes. 
• I have made a plan in which I would unofficially attend other anthro classes, and  do all the assignments, and they could then enter me as having taken/completed the class over the summer.  This way, I can make a larger dent in those 45 credits that are keeping me from graduation. But I'm scared. In order to do this, I need to go into the anthro department and talk to my professors to ask them for this opportunity. I don't want to! It's so embarrassing and nerve racking to have to go back and ask them for help again! ugh. 
• ugh. 
• ugh. 
• What if I don't follow through? Again?

Re-admitted!

Haiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!

So I've been re-admitted into my university! They made it seem like it would be much more of a difficult process than it actually was. I had to fill out an application, including reasons why I would actually pass classes this time, and then go to a meeting with the woman responsible for working with students who have been dismissed more than once.  If she believed me, she would let me re-admitted, if not, life would suck.

I filled out the application the night before my meeting, because the meeting was at 9am, and I wasn't sure if I'd wake up early enough to fill it out before hand, I actually didn't procrastinate as much as I could have! Yay me!

So it was with a heavy and disbelieving heart that I sat down to appeal for the last opportunity I would have to move my life forward.  What were the right words to write that would convince them of my self-improvement? Having dealt with depression and how it affects my academics for about 5years now, I have become very good at saying the right things and evoking the right emotions to get people to believe me and empathize with me. Don't get me wrong, I actually had problems, and I was VERY nervous talking about anything related to my depression, I did not enjoy the process of asking for second chances at all, but I, unwittingly, had become good at it.

But this was different. This wasn't a second chance, this was a third/fourth/fifth/who-knows-how-many chance. And this was on paper. Written words. At least when I met with my professors, it would show on my face how difficult it was for me to talk about my depression, so they'd be able to see that it was a real issue that affected me seriously, but you can't show emotion so easily on paper.  I had to use the exact right combination of words to convince them that taking another chance on me would be worth it, that I would not let them down this time. Ayyyyy. The pressure!

Yeah, so that was a rough 20minutes. I just attacked the sections as best as I could.  I was writing with a pen, so I definitely scratched out words many a time, but I let the adrenaline take me where it would. I just started writing words.  Words to describe what went wrong, what I did to overcome those problems, and why they should believe that I'm ready now. Words to that would make them empathize without going into too much detail. Words that would make them believe me without feeling like I was glossing over things. Words. Never had the written word been so important.

And that was just part one, I still had to meet with the counselor the next day...

Of course, I managed to oversleep my alarm, (set for 7:30am, since I thought the appointment was at 8am), and I made it to the office, huffing and puffing, exactly at 8:00am. Luckily, I anticipated my oversleeping, and found out my appointment was set for 9am. So I sat around, trying to avoid my past professors and other people I would know, so I wouldn't become a nervous wreck if they decided to start up a conversation with me. First I tried to hide in the bathroom, but as it became busier, I decided to go back to the office and wait for my turn.

When it was finally my turn, she asked the typical pleasantries, I gave her my application, and she started reading. After she was done, she asked me what steps I had taken to get better, what support systems I had, and what I would do if I started having problems again. I think she asked one or two more questions, but I forget what they were. After that, she said I'd be admitted....

....say WHAT???

That was it. After all that anxiety, that's all it took to seal the deal? Apparently so.

Kind of anti-climatic...

Anyways, so she told me what I needed to do to finish the process,( including paying a fee of $100!!), who I should have a meeting with after my re-admittance, and how many classes I'd be able to take (only 2!?!!?). The meeting was over, she gave me a free t-shirt, I think because she felt bad for being late to the meeting, I payed the fee, and turned in the application. I should receive a letter in about a week stating I've been re-admitted, and then I'll officially have done the first step.

I did it.  Now I just have to make sure I follow through and pass my classes. It's gonna be about another year in school, which is going to be really hard to maneuver, since my parents think I'll be getting my degree in May.  I'm going to have to learn how to make fake degrees.....haha! Oh my life!

So this turned out to be much longer than I was expecting. I originally just wanted to say that I'd been re-admitted, but it ended up becoming an exploration into all the FEELINGS I had before and during the meeting. So if you've read this far, you're awesome!

When Work Gets Annoying

So I'm at work, and my co-worker, A, that I mostly love, is sweet talking with her boyfriend.

It's really annoying.

She's sitting here, right next to me, talking with him, which I mostly don't care about, because I could do my own things, wasting time here on the web. However, she does this weird thing where she looks at me when she thinks she's said something funny, to see my reaction. I'm not interested in their conversation, so I'm not trying to pay attention, so I won't notice if she's said something funny or cute. And yet, she looks at me at least once every 2 minutes, to wink, or smile, or laugh, so I can laugh as well, since I guess I'm her conspirator.

Listen, A, you're talking to your boyfriend, not me. I don't care what you guys are talking about. I don't care that the both of you are being cute and enjoying each other's time. I'm definitely happy for you, but I definitely don't want to be the third person in your conversation. Please leave me out. Okay?

Oh, what? No? You'd like to show off how happy you and cute you are? So you'll continue to do this annoying habit? Well, since I'm a pushover, I'll go with it, and continue to smile and laugh every time you look at me, even though I haven't been paying attention to what you said.

Good times at work!

Sunday Ramblings

This week in short detail:

I was supposed to volunteer on Monday, but made up a lie about feeling sick so I wouldn't have to go in. I wasn't feeling it that day. I went on to do nothing. I spend A TON of time on the internet doing nothing. I trolled Eat Your Kimchi's blog some more. It was fun, BUT, also educational! I realized that they have a fantastic relationship, and they are someone I would like to model my future relationship on.

Oh! I forgot that I got called in to work on Monday, so I didn't completely waste my time, I worked for 6hours! But I got so bored, because Mondays are absolutely slow, that I bought two books from Barnes and Noble to read: The Assassin's Curse by Cassandra Rose Clarke. This book was fantastic! I loved her world, it's always lovely to read a book with a new spin on magic and fantasy.  I love when it's done well! She also wrote the romantic tension between the main characters well, leaving the readers wanting more!

The second book started out slow, but ended up being pretty good as well; The Unnaturalists by Tiffany Trent.  Her world is completely foreign, but still similar enough to work. She has some really dark themes that actually reflect modern practices.  The story itself was pretty cool. It was a good week in reading.

When I did volunteer, on Thursday, we went to a client's house that made us delicious noms. I need to learn to make all the different types of food that I get to eat all the time! I want to know how to make all the delicious noms before I leave this city!

My younger sister #1 got upset at younger sister #2, because #2, who is at uni, apparently doesn't communicate with her, a la my older sister. It was a kinda awkward and emotional talk, because she was upset that she was the one initiating communication with #2, as well as with my older sister, when neither of the two initiated communication with her....sound a little familiar? Yeah. Awkward because she then decided she wasn't going to communicate with either of them unless they talked to her first, and made an active attempt to be better at communicating. She also commanded me not to tell them to talk to her, because she wanted them to actually want to communicate with her, not because they felt they were being forced to, because we are all sisters, after all! This is basically the feelings I'd had towards my older sister. It was so odd to see it be repeated in #1.  It was also awkward because #2 actually communicates with me, kind of. We send each other random texts constantly. But #1 wants #2 to actually talk to her, like, about her day and stuff, not the random stuff she sends me. So there's the problem they have of two different communication styles, and neither wanting to cooperate with each other. #2 is actually trying to talk with her more often now, because she realized she had been non-communicative with her, but #1 is being prideful, and only giving short, one-answer replies to the texts #2 sends. We'll see how it goes.

That's all blah and blah. However, I kind of came to a realization after this incident, that #1 and I are in a peculiar situation, in that we are at home, while our other two sisters are not. We're starved of friends and activities that can demand our attention, and so we want attention from our sisters. Perhaps if we were away form home, we'd also be less communicative, because we'd have more to demand our attention.  #1 and I have also spend the longest time at home. #2 and my older sister have been in and out of the house for 4 and 6 years, respectively.  So they're pretty independent, and don't feel the pressure of constantly staying in touch as much.  My father asks me where I'm going and why every time I leave the house. I have a 9pm curfew.  I have to ask before I go to people's houses. I know #1 feels more family pressure to stay in touch than my older sister, because she actually does try to stay in contact and keep us up-to-date about her activities, because she realized how horribly it went when my older sister didn't do that, but she still doesn't feel it as much as us. So, I think, once we've been out of the house for longer as well, we'll start getting used to talking to our sisters less often. I dunno. Life. And growing up. It's all very scary, and worrisome!

And then I worked Friday, Saturday, and today. So that was pretty much all that happened this last week.

Sunday Afternoon Ramblings

I'm at work, it's Sunday, it's boring, and I'm wasting time away on my computer.  I'm listening to one of my channels on Pandora, and for once, Pandora is playing an awesome selection of music I like. I'm drinking tea, tea!! I just trolled on Simon and Martina's Eat Your Kimchi blog.  Basically, I kind of want to post something.  But I don't have a specific idea to expand upon, so I guess this post will just be thoughts I've been thinking about lately.

In an update about my love life-that-actually-never-even-existed-to-begin-with, I'm ok with all of it. There's still this part of me that longs for a relationship, but that part has always been there. I think it's because I feel like I'm really understood by those around me, and I don't feel comfortable trusting the people around me to know all of my faults, so I long for a person that will truly understand and accept me.  It would kind of be perfect if that person turned out to be my husband.  Hopefully that's not too naive of a wish??

I need to stop eating so much junk food:

Yes, that is, in fact, a WHOLE chocolate cake that I am eating, all by myself.

I talked to my older sister yesterday, since we'll be in Korea in December, and it's about time I discuss details with her. It's kind of awkward, because she talks as though nothing happened, which is fine, I guess. I'm just nervously waiting for that time when we're going to have to talk about EVERYTHING, and when I might get misunderstood again by another person close to me. This is why I just don't communicate with her anymore. I'm a worrier, and I worry about things all the time, so it's just easier to not communicate with her and not worry about our problems. I know that I'm avoiding the problem, but only because she's avoiding the problem. I've tried to force her to work through our issues, and it hasn't worked, so I'm just going to avoid it as well, and not worry about it. Fate has decided to play one of the only Lincoln Park songs she likes on Pandora. Huh. I laugh at you, Fate.

I have to clean the whole store today, and I'm not looking forward to it. I'm supposed to close in 30min, and it takes about 30min to clean and close, so it looks like I'm going to be staying after work cleaning! I feel bad asking them to write down the extra time, since I did about 5 customers today, so I'll just suck it up and clean, then leave.

I was supposed to take a shower today so I could hang out with some friends today, but, I didn't feel like it. So yeah, I'm gonna hibernate at home in my dirty, stinky room! :D

NBA season has started! And because I'm so bored and am doing nothing with my life, I've been watching games, when I usually just start watching around playoffs. But I like basketball, so at least I'm not wandering around over the web-sphere trying in vain to find something to entertain me.

I have to re-apply for admission for my uni, and I have a meeting in 2 weeks to look over my paperwork with an adviser who will let me know if I will be accepted or not. So if I won't be accepted, I'm kind of screwed. I think I'll just see if I can stay in Korea for longer, as an excuse for not being able to finish my crap? Ugh. I dunno. We'll see what happens. Plans. I hate making all these plans that I never follow through on. I guess I take after my father in that. I always hated it when he wouldn't follow through, and then I turned out to do the same.

One of my college friends that also went through depression around the same time that I did wants to chat with me next week. We chat about every two months or so.  I like her, and I think I can often give her good advice, but I'm starting to realize that I don't really enjoy talking to her. It feels like a chore.  Sigh. This happens to me a lot. I have this thing I call social obligations, during which I force myself to hang out with people, even when it feels like a chore, because I feel that it will at least benefit them.

Lately, I've been making lists in my head about my quirks, and I just want to have someone to tell them to.  "I eat pb&j's a lot, I wipe my nose on my sleeve, I can be an impulsive when grocery shopping...etc" I just want someone to KNOW these things about me, basically, longing for that person, again. 

So I suppose I should start cleaning now :(

Can I Just Be An NBA Commentator?

I like to watch the NBA. I can get obsessed at times. Yeah, it's one of those fangirl things, because I'm like a fangirl when it comes to the NBA and the players that I like. But, I'd also like to point out that there are fanboys in sports.  There is this fantastic basketball blog that I sometimes follow, that is funny and quite touching. It was my first experience with fanboys, and made me realize that it's completely ok to be a sports fangirl. So yeah.

Anywho, I'm streaming a game right now, and I was listening to the commentators bring up all these statistics and random facts, and I thought, "How lovely their lives must be, to have a job dedicated to saying facts and statistics about a sport!"

I mean, really!! There are so many lovely and appealing jobs out there, but I just realized that being a sports commentator is one of them! I would positively LOVE to memorize random facts about awesome players who entertain me on a routinely basis. I absolutely admire basketball players, and I just can't imagine how lucky I'd be to have a job devoted to them.

Or.....I could just be an assistant to someone I could fangirl over, because I'd also be a damn good assistant. Huh.

Things That Have Happened Lately

I've just finished 8.5hrs of my 10hr shift, and I've done almost nothing. I took care of 6 customers, perhaps 45min total.  I'll have to clean before closing, so I'll have done 1.5hrs of actual work today, and still gotten paid for 10hrs. I know this amazing, and I don't mean to sound as though I'm bragging, but it's just, I also did nothing for myself.  I didn't attempt to advance any plans/goals I have. I just surfed the web, for 8hours. I ran out of things to do after 3hours, and then I just searched in vain for ways to waste my time online.

At some point, I don't even really remember, I took a 30min break, to go buy food.  They say we shouldn't grocery shop while hungry....well. So I bought a whole pecan pie, mini chocolate cupcakes, and frozen spring rolls (for $10 :( moniesssssssss!!)  I've already tried all three, and I also already regret all three purchases.  Sigh. I have to do this at least once every fortnight, though, because I get these insane urges to go buy some ridiculous food that I usually don't let myself buy, except for the once-a-fortnight-grocery-shopping-spree.

My father has decided that our curfew is now 9pm.  I'm 23 years old, by the way. Yeah, sometimes I just gotta let him feel like he has some control, because, pretty soon, he's not going to have any. I just wish we could've worked together, instead of my parents forcing me to do drastic things.

I did my laundry last week! And cleaned the bathroom! And cooked some food! And took a shower! And did some henna for some people to make moniessss!! So I can promise that I won't be productive for the next month....maybe that's why I was puddle of goo these past few days....(remember that one song by puddle of mud??)

Angry Dads

So my sisters and I, along with my cousin, go dumpster diving.

It's not what you're thinking. Yes, it can be dirty, but it is actually quite beneficial.  We get a lot of perfectly edible produce, as well as merchandise that can be easily fixed. It's saved us tons of money on grocery shopping, and has allowed us to own some really cool items-such as feather pillows!

We've been doing this for about 5months now, and we'd gotten pretty good...or so we thought.

Let me set up the story for you:

My father does not know about our night excursions, because he is old fashioned and narrow minded, we knew he find the idea disgusting. Unfortunately, my father sometimes works at a gas station, and he tends to get chatty with his customers.  He recently did a shift at the station, and spoke with a police officer, who told my father about some girls who go dumpster diving around Fort Wayne. The police officer then proceeded to tell my father some very specific details that led my father to realize that the officer was talking about his own children. Such details estimated heights, which stores we'd been to, and, more importantly, the license plate number and the name it was registered to; my cousin's husband. We're also apparently on a watch list, and, hilariously, are the hot topic around the police station. 

I am confused. 

At one point, early in our dumpster diving history, we'd been caught in the act by a police officer, who told us that what we were doing was perfectly legal, he'd only come to check that we weren't doing drugs, or whatever. He then left us to finish doing our thing. After that, we'd always assumed we were in the right....so why are we on a watch list??  Also, if we were doing something illegal, why didn't the police, after learning the license plate number, call my cousin to talk to her about dumpster diving and how it's illegal??  I don't quite know what's happening on a legal standpoint, and I kind of want to call up a police officer and ask whether it's actually illegal or not.

But yeah, my father is pretty pissed.  We're all sort of tip-toeing around him, since he gets pretty bad when he's upset.  I don't really mind, since it will blow over at some point, it's just going to be a pretty annoying week, and he's definitely going to reference this in the future. Ugh. Yay for being a constant failure! :D

Sometimes work is Rawrsome!!

Often, I hate work. I've been doing the same job for the past 2.5 years. It's getting old. I get tired of the customers, the repetitiveness, the back pain, the pay, and the most especially, the co-workers. I only ever love work in two situations, when I'm working by myself, or when I'm working with my co-worker A.

A is simply fantastic. She's around the same age, and also in uni.  She's tons of fun and makes me laugh even when I didn't feel like I wanted to be happy that day.  She cherishes herself and her happiness, and pushes me to care for myself as well.  I hadn't realized how completely comfortable I'd become with her until today.

Our "work space". Images like this make me insanely happy inside.

My boss opened a new store, and because he is cheap, he hasn't bought chairs for his workers yet.  To his credit, we can sit on the chairs where the customers sit, but it's hard to manage a computer while sitting in them.  Left with no where to sit where I could more comfortably waste time on my computer, I brought in pillows to sit on.  However, I always felt odd sitting on the floor and spreading my crap everywhere when I'm working with my other co-workers.  When A is here, I don't worry about sitting on the floor or being neat in front of her.

But I also realized, just today, that I'm more open with her, emotionally, than I am with my other co-workers. I laugh so openly with her, and often over the smallest things!  We work a 10hr shift together, and we get so crazy from being tired, that we laugh over the craziest things. We also act crazy, we take turns taking naps, we take tips (because we're not supposed to keep them-that's another story!), we take longer breaks than we're supposed to, we've eve sat down and had impromptu grand-ish meals.

It's great, and it's all possible because of her, because of her personality, because of her love for life. Yeah, I'm pretty happy today. *cheesy smile*

Aversion to Cleanliness

I hate the process of getting ready to take a shower. I'm probably one of the incredibly small portion of people that has to pump herself/himself up to take a shower. I've avoided this chore all week, and today is a day when I'm completely free and available to take a shower. And yet, I've still managed to waste the past few hours "in preparation" for taking a shower.

This is my life.

It's very hard for me to do necessary things. It takes me a while to mentally prepare myself for doing the chore.  Necessary things are just SO hard to do.

Anyways, so I've been playing fantastic music, trying to get energetic and pumped, so I'll jump out of this bed and into the tub.

It's gonna happen.....as soon as the song ends..

Rejection

The problem is that I'm not accepting his answer as rejection.  It seems like it's going to work out perfectly, he'll see if he likes that girl, and when he doesn't, he'll come holler at me, at a time when I'm better emotionally. Which is making it really difficult for me to see this as a "No." Because that's what it is, a "No."

On the bright side, the fantasizing has stopped, so that's good. I'm still compulsively checking facebook, but I think that's going to go down as well. So I think I'm going to eventually see this as rejection, I'll just be sadder then, because, right now, I'm sort of fine with it, since I think it might go somewhere eventually. I think, once I face reality, I'll be a bit sadder. 

Fb checking

UGH. I'm knee deep in compulsive Facebook-checking. I have nothing else to do but check Facebook, meander away, and then come back to Facebook. After lessening myself from it's neediness, I am now hooked again, and not only am I stalking the guy, but I am now up-to-date on all my acquaintances that I never speak to. UGH.

After the Fact

Let's be honest, I'm obsessing over the guy. It's been about a day since I found out how he reacted when he learned that I am interested in him, and it's been a crazy day full of thoughts. Thoughts of what could have have been.

I am really glad that I now know where everything stands, but I'm also sad because I obviously wanted him to be available to start something.  While I know I'm not ready for a relationship right now, I don't like the waiting game.  Because that's the other thing, I think this is a waiting game....I'm thinking he'll choose me in the end. I know I'm being a bit cocky, but my mind assumes I'm the better choice, obviously, so it assumes that he's going to find out that he doesn't like the other girl, and then come to me, at which point, I'll be happier, and more prepared to start something as well.  Which would be fine.  But what if he follows through with this girl that he made a commitment to? Blargh.

So, basically, I've been fantasizing, this last day, of what it could have been like if we were dating.  I also have this compulsive itch to check facebook every second that's "reasonable," because that's his only way of communicating with me, and so, of course I have to check it to make sure he hasn't sent me something that I haven't responded to!!

I'm new at this stuff, so can I chalk this up to just being a girl who had her hopes crushed? It's ok to obsess/fantasize about him, right?  I think I'm going to give myself a week or so to be overly obsessed, and then I think I'll naturally back off. By the end of my adventures in Korea, I think I won't be too concerned anymore, though I think it will be in the back of my mind.  Which will be good, because this will put less mental stress on me, if/when I start uni again next semester.

Everything will work out how I need it to, I just don't quite believe that right now.  And I'm starting to realize that's ok, I'm allowed to have those moments of grief, lol.

The Time is Not Right Now

So I finally called my friend! Their conversation went something like this, she had previously told him that there was a girl interested in him, but she didn't tell him his name. So when they started talking last night, before she could start talking, he wanted to make his position clear to her. He's currently looking into a girl right now. Both families have already spoken to each other, and they're considering formally dating. His father is pretty prominent where he lives, so he doesn't want to back out of the arrangement, since he really doesn't know me or if I'm right for him, and he's already made a commitment to this girl.  So he's going to go through with their formal dating, which involves him and the girl talking to one another, with the families' permission.  After getting to know one another, if they think things should move on, they get married. If not, they break things.

It's a bit of a relief, because I was wracked with nerves about the whole thing, and now that everyone knows   how everyone else feels and each others' positions, it's much clearer, and, therefore, better.  My friend suggested that I try looking into other people, and if his arrangement doesn't work out, and I'm still single then we can both try to start something then.  According to her, he was pleasantly surprised that I was the one interested in him, so if things don't work out with what he's in right now, I'll be a possibility, which I like very much. Because, really, I'm not ready for a relationship right now.  This also gives me some time to get my life more on track, towards my eventual goals.  If he ends up marrying that girl, that's awesome for him, and I won't regret not bringing up that I liked him, and if he doesn't marry her, hopefully I'll be in a better place, and more prepared to start a relationship.

Thank God. My friend told me I'd feel much better regardless of what happened, if we started a relationship or not, and she was SO right, this is another thing that I was scared of doing and wanted to run all the way in the other direction from.  The fact that I got myself to do it, through all of the scariness, that I overcame my fears, and that I finished this task, that I followed through with another thing, is confident building. I feel good.  Awkward, but good.

What Did He Answer???

Last night, I played spades online with some friends. We used to play spades at uni, until the organizer in the group went to Korea to teach English...I know, it's a trend in my life.  I used the card game as a way to get myself out of the house last semester, and it was pretty fun. Now that the organizer is in Korea, the meetings have stopped, but the guy definitely misses them, so he organized a way for us to play online. Yesterday was the first such meeting.

It went on for a few hours, enough that I was distracted from the talk that was going to happen between my friend and the guy.  And then I decided to watch two of my tv dramas online because I wasn't tired yet.  By the time I was done doing all that I could to distract myself, it was midnight, and it was still an hour until they were scheduled to talk.

So I tried to go to sleep, but of course I couldn't. I kept waking up, and checking my phone to see if my friend had texted me anything, and she hadn't.  Then I kept waking up because I wanted to make sure I got up early enough that I could head into work and check my email to see if either of them had emailed me. I had such an urge to just open my computer when I kept waking up, but I knew it would be no use, so I waited until I came into work, 15min early, to open my laptop and check. And there's nothing. No email. From either of them. WTF people, wtf.

I'm sitting here, really nervous and anxious, wanting to know what the fuck he answered. I want to text my friend, but I'm pretty sure she's sleeping, so I'll have to wait an hour or two before I feel comfortable texting her.  Also, I'm working with a co-worker that I don't particularly like, and I'm also expecting a call from the uni to set up an appointment about my re-admission, which is a secret I'm obviously keeping from the co-worker, so this should be all types of fun.

UGH.

Siblings and their Awesomeness

The awesome thing about having many siblings is knowing that they'll always be there for you. This is something I kind of inherently expect, which is probably one reason why my older sister not being there for me is so difficult.

However, let's focus on the positive of sibling relationships for this post!

Today, a friend of mine needed a ride somewhere, but I couldn't take her because I had to go to work. I knew she was desperate if she was calling me, so I immediately thought of younger sister #1, because I knew she wasn't working today, and I also knew that she would be dropping younger sister #2 back at uni, so I offered her help, immediately, without even asking #2 if she was ok with me offering her help. It was after I offered my sister's help and confirmed that she would be there to pick up my friend that I went and asked my sister if she would be willing to do the deed....in such a way that she knew there was little room for her to say no.

I'm pretty sure they hate me when I'm like this, but I can't help it! In this instance, I knew it wouldn't inconvience her that much, so I offered her help for a semi-emergency.

I do this often. When I set up fundraisers, parties, or volunteering events, I expect my siblings to help. There is no question about it. I expect them to help, they know it, and they usually deliver. When it comes to these situations, they are awesome, simply awesome. They always give their best, and deal with my ocd and demands without too much complaint. I really don't give them enough credit.

So yeah, my siblings are awesome, and it's a fantastic feeling to know that they will always be there for me when I need them, without too much complaint. Being part of big family has it's perks, and I really don't acknowledge that often enough. :D

Starting New Things

So I've decided to try to start a relationship with this guy I have a crush on. Our mutual friend is going to talk to him tonight to see if he's interested in me. If he is, she'll tell him to email me.
So. . .
Nerves. That's what.
She's going to talk to him in about 10hours. Maybe she'll text me after she talks to him to let me know what happened? Maybe he'll email me after the conversation?  Maybe he'll take a week to think things over before giving an answer?  Maybe he'll say no, which would be comforting, since it would eliminate all the possibilities? Or maybe he'll say yes, and then I'll have to figure out how to talk to him, how to tell him all this shit that I've been going through, how to re-assure him that'll be ok in the end (when I'm not even confident in that myself).  Maybe he'll be wrong for me, but I won't know how to tell him. Maybe he'll be right for me, but I'll push him away.
Oh. The. Possibilities.
SO. NERVE RACKING.

Multiple Personalities

Can I be gangsta a la Outlandish? Dirty in "Ready to Love," pop in "TriumF," and yet, always clever?
I want to be them alllllllllll.
It's not that I want to be gangsta or pop, it's more that I want to be THEM.
Pretty much.

Work Sucks

Fuck. I just went on break from work, for an hour, which many of the girls at work often do when it's not busy. Well, the boss came in as soon as I left, and I didn't feel my phone vibrate, so I didn't hear them call me. So, now they're all upset, and I guess I'm going to get 1hr cut from my paycheck. Well.

I'm kind of going to accept this?? Because I did do something wrong, and it was my own stupidity that I didn't check my phone, so, yeah, perhaps I'll just accept the 1hr deduction.

I just lost $7.75 while spending money on gifts I didn't want to buy. :/

Panic Attacks

What is it about school that just causes me to have panic attacks every time I think or am forced to deal with it??

Today, I finally called my university to figure out what to do about re-admission, and I was positively freaking out inside.  While I'm proud of myself for actually calling, I'm starting to get freaked out about whether or not I'll be re-admitted, whether or not I'll finally be able to finish classes this time, and whether or not I'll be able to finish those 45 credits before next summer's end.

blargh.

I basically ignored school for the past few months, and it's been sooo nice. So having to think about it again freaks me out.

This is my last last-chance.

My Break-Up With My Sister

A couple of weeks ago, I finally broke up with my sister.

I've started to realize all relationships are the same, be it that of family, friend, or lover.  They all take a certain amount of work, understanding, and patience, among much other characteristics.  Having realized that perhaps my older sister isn't ready to deal with everything that's happened, I realized I needed to get rid of our unhealthy relationship.  I'm a worrier, and I worried about her way too much. I realized I just need to stop worrying about her, stop thinking about her, and the easiest way to do that was to just stop.

So I stopped.

I sent her a letter letting her know that I wasn't going to be attempting to keep our relationship going as much as I'd been trying in the past. It was important for me to try to explain that my not-talking-to-her was different from her not-talking-to-us, because I didn't want her to use this as validation for her past actions. I needed her to realize that I was only not-talking to her, and only because she was a pretty negative presence in my life, not on purpose, but as a result of her avoidance.  So I sent her this email trying to explain all that, and I guess she became pretty confused, and asked my younger sister why I was SO angry with her, and what she should do to resolve the new issues that have suddenly come up.

My older sister, is, apparently, Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory, because she just really is not good with emotion at all.

However, it did help me realize that I was angry at her, not overly so, just that I was finally allowing myself to feel angry at her, and not on behalf of others. I'm sorry if I wrote about this in a different post, but I'd felt angry at her on behalf of my family this entire time, and I was only know letting myself feel angry with her, without any guilt.

It's been nice. I didn't have to think about her, worry about her, these past few weeks, and it was really liberating.  I worried about myself, for a change, and I didn't worry about all the bad things I'd done, but I focused and worried about all the good changes I've recently been making in my life....thank God....I might finally be making progress????

It really just goes to show, a bad relationship is a bad relationship, and getting rid of it is much healthier than trying to cling to it.

This doesn't mean I'll never talk to my older sister again, it just means I'll work with her on our relationship when she's ready to commit, other wise, I won't spend time worrying about it when I could be worrying about better things.

Unfinished

I start many posts, and I don't finish many posts.  I get ideas to write posts when I'm not near a computer, and then when I'm near a computer I'll forget those ideas. I'll also suddenly want to write posts...when I'm not near a computer, I've lost all of that motivation.

Motivation. I was attempting to explain to my little brother the other day how I often lack the motivation to just. get. things. done. It's such a weird dynamic in my family, because I'm nine years older than him, I  am in a completely different time and chapter in my life right now.  But, because I'm living at home, and because my siblings and I have always tried to be unequivocally equal in every sense, he often feels that we should be treated the same.  This means, if I want to hang out with some friends late after work, he'll think it's ok for him to do the same thing. He doesn't see that 9year gap.

My parents also don't see that 9year gap, but that's another story.

I was thinking of dating this guy. I've had a crush on him for a while, and I recently found out he's looking to get married, so he's been seriously looking for a while now.  Which sucks, because I'm not ready to get married yet. I think I'm pretty close, but, obviously, I'm dealing with a lot of shit right now, and getting into a relationship with all of this shit is probably a bad idea. Buuuuut, I don't want to miss this chance! What if we're good for each other? What if this is a guy I could marry? I don't want mess around with him and waste his time, if he's ready to get married, but I don't know how to get around all this shit...I definitely want to be honest and explain everything I'm going through, but I don't want him to feel like I'm using him to get out of something, and I don't want him to feel like I wasted his time, and I don't want to trust someone with all of my heart if it's not going to turn out to be serious. Blagh. What to do??

On another note, I've just gotten the OK to visit my friend and sister this winter!! My friend will be student teaching in Japan, and my older sister is in Korea.  I'm not quite talking to my older sister right now, so that should be plenty awkward to live with her for a few weeks, but I'm not concerned.  My friend and I will just waltz around Korea by ourselves and use her place to keep our stuff, bahaha! I don't know if I'll ever get a chance to go to Korea, so I want to go now, while my sister is there, so I won't have to pay for a hotel.  I'm kind of really excited! I think it'll be good for me to spend some time away from everything and just have a break free of worry.

Yay for a finished post!! :D

Commissioned to do Some Henna!!

I'm sitting on the toilet, listening to Matt Kearney's "Runaway," typing this, because I'm kind of freaking out, and this is my attempt to calm myself down...

So I've been commissioned to do bridal henna for a bride for her traditional Indian wedding, which means my henna designs have to be fucking kick-ass.  While I can do pretty good designs, and I can copy pictures pretty well, I can still mess designs up because I haven't really had as much experience doing specifically bridal henna.......eeeeeek!!

But I took the job anyways, because I need monies, and I can probably actually do a good job, I just have this thing where I pschye myself out of EVERYTHING.

By the ways, I'm typing this in Internet Explorer, so if I spell things wrong, it's because I've become too dependent on the spell-correcting feature on Firefox....eh.

If I remember, I'll update on how it goes today..............................................asdlkfj;alsdkjf;alsdkfj;ldsajfa;sdlkf j;asdlkjfa;sdlkfj a;lsdkfj;adslkjfa;ldsfj;alsdkfj asd

***EDIT***
I did some KICK-ASS henna for the bride, and I did some KICK-ASS henna for the other guests at their party. I got $375 for about 13hrs of work...not including the 4hrs of drive time it took over the two days. I think I'll have to include gas next time....AND raise my prices! but, I am $300 richer, so I'm pretty happy right now, as well as, finally, confident in my ability to do good henna. I just need to keep doing it, if I take too long of breaks in between doing henna, I lose my creative juices, and I just end up with crappy designs. So, next time, I'll make sure to practice on people before I go for another big commission.

Hey! I did something! I set myself out there, I marketed myself and my abilities, I freaked out a lot, but I followed through, regardless of the consequences, and turns out, I did a really good job. I accomplished something, and I did it really well! Turns out money can do a lot to motivate a person.

Sleep...blagh...

Blarghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I should sleep, but I don't want to do that, even though I need to do that. But, sometimes I sleep too much, like last night. So now I don't want to sleep, but I have an 11hr shift at work tomorrow, so I'm definitely going to need that sleep. But I don't want to.

I want to be productive. I need to be productive. But I can't. I don't know how. I want to stop doing nothing, and DO something.

Blarghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Maybe.

WHY IS MUSIC SO AWESOME??? Sometimes, when I listen to the right songs, they just make me want to get up and DO something....but when that song ends, I'm still sitting there, in front of my computer, doing nothing. I never carry that energy on to do something other than stare at my computer screeeeeen.

What now?

So then my appeal was rejected.

Have I finally hit rock bottom? I knew this entire time I hadn't hit it yet, which is probably why I continued my self-destructive behavior.

My older sister was visiting, and my sisters and I sat down with her halfway through her visit to get her to realize the current situation in the family.  She said she was surprised it had taken so for someone to blow up on her. That really pissed me off. Blow up? No one would have blown up at her. My parents ignored the majority of what she did, and how that affected them. They just asked about her future.  Perhaps they haven't accepted what happened in the past, but they're still deciding to move on from it, at least with her, and are now trying to be on the same page with her concerning her future. And she still doesn't want to tell them anything. Which, fine, I get that she doesn't want to say anything until it's going to happen, but fuck, man. Fuck it all. If she doesn't want to tell us her plans, if she doesn't want to communicate, then fuck it, man. She doesn't have to tell us any fucking part of any of her life. WE'RE the ones who keep trying to reach out to her, and she's the one who supposedly doesn't know how to react, so don't fucking worry about it. Just fucking finish the deed and don't remain in contact with us at all. Like, can I be fucking immature and defriend her on facebook? LOL. Because that's the ultimate deal, right? Unfriending someone from your social media profiles?

UGH.

SO. Back to the conversation...my older sister is oblivious about many thing concerning the family. I guess she didn't realize how hurt we were....though she expected us to blow up at her? I fucking hate that part. I get so pissed every time I think about that line. No one fucking blew up at her. The only time we discussed feelings and such was the conversation my sisters and I had with her.  And that was a fucking discussion. Perhaps we talked more than she did, but what the fuck could she say? She had really chosen to be ignorant about what we'd been dealing with in the aftermath of her decisions, and so there was nothing she really could say. But no one fucking blew up at her, and no one would have.  It just made me realize how disconnected she is from us, that she didn't realize that no one was going to have a go at her, that if anything were to happen, it would have been a conversation in which we tried to understand her actions and decisions, which is exactly what happened. I hate that she doesn't even fucking know us anymore.

So let me re-count the convo:
This entire time, we'd been so confused as to why she stayed so uncommunicative. My sisters and I, at least, figured she'd been depressed during the first part of her time away, and that had caused her to be uncommunicative. So we understood that, trust me, we pretty much fucking understand depression. But we couldn't figure out why she still was elusive after she got a job and moved halfway across the globe. Turns out she was super depressed during the first part. She was better after having gotten that job, but she was still dealing with lingering issues.  So her explanation was that she was so used to not talking to us, that she had to learn how to talk to us again.

Fine, we understand, we give you a reprieve for that as well, but then what about after 6months at the new job? One year? Because she explained to us that she was definitely better after half a year on the new job.  And we could see, through facebook, that she had been communicating with people and friends that she'd met over there, so why couldn't she take some time to communicate with us?  I get that it's hard to talk to people you don't see every day, that's understandable....but to not even talk once a month? To go a few months without talking to my parents? Who were really hurting? And when I specifically told her to talk to them? See? We are so fucking understanding. We try so hard to understand her fucking situation, or maybe I do. Why the fuck would we blow up at her??? I don't think I'm going to be able to let go of that one anytime soon. But, anyways, so that was what was said about communicating with us. And that was left at that, we didn't bring up anything that I wrote in this paragraph, because we wanted to process her explanation, and not be too mean.

My younger sister right after me, hence forth labeled #1, was really focused on asking why she had left, and why she couldn't have told us, and why she doesn't rely/trust us and etc.  My older sister explained that she had felt that she was just an outline of a person, and that she hadn't felt filled in, but that now she does. So she left to find herself and stuff, and that she doesn't want to tell anyone anything bad that hurts her, and nothing good until it's confirmed...my parents found out about her current job a week before she had to leave for it, and they were in another country at the time.

I brought up responsibilities towards one's family, and what those responsibilities could defined as, and the fact that we have to fulfill those responsibilities. I felt that she hadn't been fulfilling her responsibilities towards us; mainly communicating with us and letting us in on her life.

The most emotional part for me was when my youngest sister, #2, took her turn and said that she really wasn't concerned about anything else, since she'd explained her lack of communication, but she wished my older sister would have talked to me more.  My older sister and I started becoming depressed around the same time, because we'd gone through the same experiences with my parents. My sister was the one I told things that I didn't tell anyone. I can talk for hours and hours. Sometimes I don't even want to talk about my crap, but when I find someone I can trust, I talk about all of my crap, even though I don't want to. My sister was that person.  And then she had to take care of herself, which I completely understood, but she left me behind.  And when she figured out herself and all that she wanted to be, she forgot about me, and wasn't that person for me anymore. I was completely alone.  I was dealing with the fall back of her decisions at home all by myself. I was now the oldest, so I was alone in trying to protect my siblings from my parents' confusion and anger. They couldn't attack her, so they attacked me. And I was alone in my defense. #1 would try to help, but honestly, she was just trying to take care of her own self, and didn't know my older sister well enough to possibly explain her actions, and she had never had to take care of her younger siblings. Even before all this crap, I had been the one to defend them, I'm naturally very protective of my people. But it was so much more forceful and hurtful and confusing. I was defending my older sister, and trying to protect my younger ones, all by myself, and I had no one to talk to about anything. No one. And then my older sister turned out to be a douche who didn't need my defending, who hadn't even realized I was defending her, who didn't care to know that I was defending her.

My youngest sister, #2, is very mature, and finally, when I realized my life was really starting to go downhill, I started talking to her about things. She's so wonderful, she would listen to me complain and go on about my older sister and my parents. But I never expected her to be listening very closely, she's only just turned 18 during my sisters visit.  So I was very touched when she explained this all to my older sister.  She explained that perhaps my older sister had filled in her lines, but I still hadn't, I am still this empty outline of a person. And how alone I'd felt through this entire time, and how I needed someone to be there for me, and that she should have been that person. I couldn't believe #2 had listened to me, had taken it in, and understood me.  I'm so used to being a part of conversations in which my parents, and sometimes #1 don't listen to me, and don't try to understand me, that I couldn't believe #2 had. just. listened. I was so emotional, I couldn't talk through any of this part. My older sister then said that none of this was going to go away with just an apology, so what did we want from her? And #2 asked that she talk to me more.  And honestly, I don't need her to talk to me anymore, so I told her that she doesn't need to concern herself about me, but to just talk with everyone else more.

But that feeling of not needing her anymore also stems from this last spring semester, when I knew I was starting to have problems again, so I reached out to her, and asked her to help me. She said she'd stay on top of me and make sure I did stuff I needed her to do. She never did that, and then she went three months without talking to me. I know it's not her fault that I failed those classes, but you know when you like someone, and you let that person know that you like him/her, but then that person rejects you? And how, afterwards, it feels really awkward to be around that person, and to have that rejection stare at you every time you see that person? That's what it felt like. Especially because this has happened to me on two other occasions. I reached out to two different people, during different points in my battle with depression, to just have someone to talk about my crap with. I didn't need advice, I just needed to tell someone. The first person was really awesome and would talk with me about it, but then she kind of disappeared from my life, which felt like a rejection.  The second person ignored my email for a couple months, and when she finally responded, it was to say that she didn't know how to respond.  So, when my own fucking sister didn't talk to me during a time when I really needed her, when I reached out to her even though we hadn't discussed serious issues in a long time, when communication was still spotty, it sucked. It sucked to be rejected, especially by her. And now it's just awkward when I'm around her. When we were picking her up from the airport three weeks ago, I panicked when I saw her, because I didn't want to hug her, but I didn't want that to become apparent, so I ran outside to say that I was looking for our car.

So anyways, I feel rejected by her, and I feel awkward talking about serious stuff with her, and I know I should probably talk to her about stuff, but it hurts. so. much.  And now I feel especially awkward after our conversation, because I feel like it didn't really accomplish much for our relationship.  It helped her realize how our life is because of how she acted after she left.  It also helped me realize how awesome #2 is, but it helped me realize how hurt I am by my older sister's actions.  And so I don't know how to go from here. And I feel completely alone again, but I don't know what to do. Also, the thing that started this post, my petition to reverse my dismissal from the university has been denied, so I'm sitting her, hating life, with nothing to do. Fuck, man. Fuck it all.

And so now I think I've reached rock bottom, and I don't know what to do, and whom to ask what to do.  #2 is away at university now, and really needs my help in navigating that experience.   So, while I tell #2 stuff, I can't bring myself to let her know that her older sister has failed at life so completely that she's been kicked out of the university twice.  I know she'd understand, but I have this feeling that I need to be a role model for them, and what kind of role model gets kicked out of university twice.  And I'm still at home, and I can't leave and have my parents freak out again, and therefore hurt my siblings in the fallback. And #1 is weird in that she thinks I'm faking my depression...yes, she actually told me that. So my family is fucked up, I'm fucked up, and I don't know what to do about it. Fuck. I'm all alone again.

So fuck. I'm fucking stuck.

I hope my older sister becomes a fucking rich ass person in the future, because maybe then, all of this emotional damage will have at least brought my parents' acceptance of her career decisions. Irony. I always loved that term.

Wonderful Dreams

GUYS...I had this awesome dream happening right before I woke up this morning:

I was in a room full of attractive men, all of whom were looking at me. It wasn't clear if they all wanted to marry me, date me, or just hang out with me, but what was clear was that I was flirting up a storm with too many attractive men, and I was happy.

And then I had to get up to go to work.

Maybe this is what my goal in life should be, flirting up a storm with a room full of attractive men...

Release

I need to find a way to release my emotion. Part of the problem is that I cannot seem to trust anyone with my problems. I can't find anyone I feel comfortable telling my problems....I don't know if they would be able to handle them, or even want to bother with them. I dunno.

So my emotions are kept locked up inside...and then, everrrry once in a while, it comes out, but not quite all the way, so I just continue to feel full to the brim with everything, and also completely alone. Today, I finally got myself down to campus to apply for a late withdrawal, in the hopes that I'll be let back into the university if they cancel my Fs.  I've been avoiding this task for the entire summer, the past 3.5 months. I finally got myself down there, and it turns out I need more fucking paperwork. What. The. Fuck. Thanks, Universe. I left the office, with the full realization that I could continue to avoid this and ruin any last chances I have to graduate somewhat on time.  How long would it take me to force myself to find documentation, and what kind of documentation, dammit? What kind of fucking documentation do I need to explain the vast issues I have that affect my academic life?  All these questions will prevent me from gathering the courage to go back to campus for another 3.5 months. Thank you, fucking Life.

So anyways, I started tearing as I walked back towards my car.  And while I realized the need for a release of my emotions at such a traumatic time, I couldn't. What if people saw me, what if they wondered, what if they questioned me, what if someone I knew saw me??????

And so, I didn't cry. And now I'm here, hating my inability to get anything done.

Control

I am currently in the process of finally cleaning my room. I share my room with my two sisters, and we are messy. But I have this horrible habit of not cleaning, ever.  The problem is control.  My parents made decisions for me my whole life.  I remember one holiday, I wanted to do my hair a certain way, and my mother wouldn't let me, because it didn't look proper/nice/good/whatever.  I ran into her room, which was the only one with a lock, and locked myself in, because I wanted so badly to look cool for once, and I thought that hairstyle would make me look cool. My mother would have none of it. She wanted to do my hair in a simple, classic style.  She eventually forced me out of the room, and did my hair how she wanted. I am frowning in the pictures from that day, because I was so upset over the incident.

This has been life. I've never been shy about expressing my opinions, especially to my mom, but I'd always give in to my parents in the end.  They had total control over my life.

Now that I'm screwed up, and I don't care about anything, I refuse to listen to them all.  I've gone the complete opposite direction, to the point when I even disrespect them way too often.  It makes me feel guilty, definitely, but I cannot feel forced into something anymore.  I hate that feeling. I hate that their decisions has turned me into this puddle that I am today.  I try to not put all the blame on them, I try to take partial responsibility for the mess I am today, but inside, I really feel like it's all their fault.  I'm a bag of issues, and I want to blame it all on them.  I want to let them know the extent of the damage, so they can see what they've done to me.  But I don't want to hurt them that badly.  I still respect them enough for that, I guess.

Anyways, this practice that I've grown, of not wanting to be forced into anything, has manifested itself into some bad habits.  For instance, whenever my mom or my sisters will tell me to clean the room, I won't outright refuse, but I won't do it.  The instant they tell me to do something, I'd rather not do it.  So I'm finally cleaning the room now, because my sister is coming home in 5days, and I figure I should probably clean the room, otherwise she'll have no where to sleep.

THE Incident.

I come from a conservative immigrant family. Blahs and blahs, but suffice it to say that I grew up sheltered, knowing nothing about what diversity really meant.  Going to college was a huge change. I wasn't used to accepting people that were different from me, I'd never had to even interact on a deeper level with people that different than me. I certainly was not used to having to contemplate my ideology, perspective, and values.  What was worse that this all stemmed from having no individuality. I was not used to thinking for myself or making decisions for myself.

So there I was, away from the influence of my parents, able to choose what I wanted to believe and how I wanted to act.  It was sort of devastating. I didn't know what to do. I knew I still respected my parents and their beliefs, but I also knew that I disagreed with them in many areas.  And I didn't want to have to tell them that I was changing.  My parents are this great oppressive, but very much respected, force in my life. I can never thank them enough for everything they did for me....but I've also been very hurt by them.  It's hard to reconcile the two feelings.  This, among other reasons, caused me to become quite depressed. Not so much that I wanted to hurt myself physically, but I certainly hurt myself mentally and emotionally. I failed two semesters of classes, and was then kicked out of the university. I finally told my parents, and they brought me home to attend a local university.

The first semester back home was terrible. I was still depressed, but hopeful, eager, for change, and I had to deal constantly with my parents, who seemed to be unwilling to understand my situation.

Depression is such a funny thing. There isn't a one-for-all FIX. It can't just be better all of sudden. It differs for each person, and what helps one reduce or stop his/her depression will depend on him/her and his/her situation.

This makes it very hard for some people to understand depression. Since it's not physical, people are unwilling to see it as a disease.  People are more willing to see it as a lack of competence by the affected, attributing it attributes such as laziness, not caring, and even rebelling.

It was very difficult for my parents to understand why I was so affected by depression; how I could have ruined myself academically. I also decided to finally own up to them that I didn't want to be a doctor, as they wished for me, but to pursue my own career choices.  You can see how they would become wary of the "depression," since it seemed to be changing everything they thought they knew about their daughter. I get caught up in how I felt, but it would be unfair to acknowledge that they were going through a hard time too.  No matter how difficult they can be or I can be, they are my parents, and I am their daughter.  It hurts parents to see their children in pain, especially when parents don't know how to ease the pain of their children.  It was a mess. Misunderstandings and verbal wars were a common fixture in my house.

There is so much that contributed to everything that has happened since my initial depression...it's a chaotic web of connections and players that has completely changed everything in my family dynamic. It'd take forever to explain, with many awkward pauses.

Change happens. I guess we just never realized things would change this much.  My parents always thought change would occur how they wanted it, so when it didn't, they certainly weren't prepared to deal with it, and neither were we (as in my siblings and I).  There was so much I didn't know how to do, because my parents never though they would have to deal with it, and so they never taught their kids how to deal with it.

My immediate family consists of 7-my mom, dad, older sister, two younger sisters, and one brother.  The rest of my family is back home in the motherland. We were the lucky ones who were given all the opportunities America had to offer...which is a WHOLE different story, and also affects my depression and the dynamic between parents and children in my family.

I am the second.

My older sister was always the good one. I was always the rebel.  She was always more respectful and considerate than I was.  When she went off to college first, it was much easier for her to deal different people, cultures, and beliefs.  She took it all in stride, because she is much more relaxed and accepting. While I consider myself pretty accepting now, I had to teach myself to be this way.  Even though I was always the rebel at home, I was so indoctrinated  in my parents' beliefs, that I had to teach myself to not concern myself with other people and their beliefs; that I practiced religion and culture how it pleased me, and that others practice religion and culture how it pleases them.

My older sister didn't concern herself over things too much.  I know sometimes I care too much...but that's just how I work.

So it wasn't really surprising to me when she left the house without letting my parents know, though it surprised my parents very much.  She left, and needed to leave, for many reasons.  But it caused many issues at home in her absence.  This was a change my parents were not prepared to deal with, and my siblings and I were not prepared to deal with my parents after her leaving. It continued to be a mess, and misunderstandings and verbal wars continued in my house.

So, anyways, there are pages and pages of words to fully flesh out the details of the past 3 years of my life. But, for now, let's just leave it what is important now.

I'm still depressed. I'm still failing classes. I just got kicked out of the university again. My family knows nothing about this. I feel abandoned by my older sister, who I used to tell everything to, and so I feel completely alone. I don't know how to deal with this....any of this, all of this, especially by myself.

And thus, I started blogging.

What started the notion of blogging

So then, there I was, watching lovely F enter the room, when emotions started to come. Emotions, you have to understand, have been a foreign presence in my entire life. So I was understandably flustered, when as F sat next to me, and asked how I was, that tears sprang to my eyes. Tears. In public. Tears sprang to my eyes in a room full of people; people who there to attend a wedding. I was crying at a wedding for all the wrong reasons.

Explanations. My friend was telling me that looking for explanations is worse, because if you don't know the reason behind actions and events, then it the experience is just repeated over and over in your mind, which does little to solve the problem.

I finally have come to realize tears are not a bad thing, especially since, if I allow them to come more often, perhaps I won't burst into a blubbering mess at a wedding. 

So I need to talk to someone, but it is SO hard. But continuing to talk to my 17yr old sister about all this crap is just unacceptable.

So blogging. Perhaps I can blog thoughts and grievances, and maybe it will be therapeutic. 

I always wanted to have one of those cool blogs with witty entries, but then life sucked, so I figured being a cliche wouldn't be that bad, especially since no one will read this anyways. 

Blog, you're hired.