Control

I am currently in the process of finally cleaning my room. I share my room with my two sisters, and we are messy. But I have this horrible habit of not cleaning, ever.  The problem is control.  My parents made decisions for me my whole life.  I remember one holiday, I wanted to do my hair a certain way, and my mother wouldn't let me, because it didn't look proper/nice/good/whatever.  I ran into her room, which was the only one with a lock, and locked myself in, because I wanted so badly to look cool for once, and I thought that hairstyle would make me look cool. My mother would have none of it. She wanted to do my hair in a simple, classic style.  She eventually forced me out of the room, and did my hair how she wanted. I am frowning in the pictures from that day, because I was so upset over the incident.

This has been life. I've never been shy about expressing my opinions, especially to my mom, but I'd always give in to my parents in the end.  They had total control over my life.

Now that I'm screwed up, and I don't care about anything, I refuse to listen to them all.  I've gone the complete opposite direction, to the point when I even disrespect them way too often.  It makes me feel guilty, definitely, but I cannot feel forced into something anymore.  I hate that feeling. I hate that their decisions has turned me into this puddle that I am today.  I try to not put all the blame on them, I try to take partial responsibility for the mess I am today, but inside, I really feel like it's all their fault.  I'm a bag of issues, and I want to blame it all on them.  I want to let them know the extent of the damage, so they can see what they've done to me.  But I don't want to hurt them that badly.  I still respect them enough for that, I guess.

Anyways, this practice that I've grown, of not wanting to be forced into anything, has manifested itself into some bad habits.  For instance, whenever my mom or my sisters will tell me to clean the room, I won't outright refuse, but I won't do it.  The instant they tell me to do something, I'd rather not do it.  So I'm finally cleaning the room now, because my sister is coming home in 5days, and I figure I should probably clean the room, otherwise she'll have no where to sleep.