Haiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!
So I've been re-admitted into my university! They made it seem like it would be much more of a difficult process than it actually was. I had to fill out an application, including reasons why I would actually pass classes this time, and then go to a meeting with the woman responsible for working with students who have been dismissed more than once. If she believed me, she would let me re-admitted, if not, life would suck.
I filled out the application the night before my meeting, because the meeting was at 9am, and I wasn't sure if I'd wake up early enough to fill it out before hand, I actually didn't procrastinate as much as I could have! Yay me!
So it was with a heavy and disbelieving heart that I sat down to appeal for the last opportunity I would have to move my life forward. What were the right words to write that would convince them of my self-improvement? Having dealt with depression and how it affects my academics for about 5years now, I have become very good at saying the right things and evoking the right emotions to get people to believe me and empathize with me. Don't get me wrong, I actually had problems, and I was VERY nervous talking about anything related to my depression, I did not enjoy the process of asking for second chances at all, but I, unwittingly, had become good at it.
But this was different. This wasn't a second chance, this was a third/fourth/fifth/who-knows-how-many chance. And this was on paper. Written words. At least when I met with my professors, it would show on my face how difficult it was for me to talk about my depression, so they'd be able to see that it was a real issue that affected me seriously, but you can't show emotion so easily on paper. I had to use the exact right combination of words to convince them that taking another chance on me would be worth it, that I would not let them down this time. Ayyyyy. The pressure!
Yeah, so that was a rough 20minutes. I just attacked the sections as best as I could. I was writing with a pen, so I definitely scratched out words many a time, but I let the adrenaline take me where it would. I just started writing words. Words to describe what went wrong, what I did to overcome those problems, and why they should believe that I'm ready now. Words to that would make them empathize without going into too much detail. Words that would make them believe me without feeling like I was glossing over things. Words. Never had the written word been so important.
And that was just part one, I still had to meet with the counselor the next day...
Of course, I managed to oversleep my alarm, (set for 7:30am, since I thought the appointment was at 8am), and I made it to the office, huffing and puffing, exactly at 8:00am. Luckily, I anticipated my oversleeping, and found out my appointment was set for 9am. So I sat around, trying to avoid my past professors and other people I would know, so I wouldn't become a nervous wreck if they decided to start up a conversation with me. First I tried to hide in the bathroom, but as it became busier, I decided to go back to the office and wait for my turn.
When it was finally my turn, she asked the typical pleasantries, I gave her my application, and she started reading. After she was done, she asked me what steps I had taken to get better, what support systems I had, and what I would do if I started having problems again. I think she asked one or two more questions, but I forget what they were. After that, she said I'd be admitted....
....say WHAT???
That was it. After all that anxiety, that's all it took to seal the deal? Apparently so.
Kind of anti-climatic...
Anyways, so she told me what I needed to do to finish the process,( including paying a fee of $100!!), who I should have a meeting with after my re-admittance, and how many classes I'd be able to take (only 2!?!!?). The meeting was over, she gave me a free t-shirt, I think because she felt bad for being late to the meeting, I payed the fee, and turned in the application. I should receive a letter in about a week stating I've been re-admitted, and then I'll officially have done the first step.
I did it. Now I just have to make sure I follow through and pass my classes. It's gonna be about another year in school, which is going to be really hard to maneuver, since my parents think I'll be getting my degree in May. I'm going to have to learn how to make fake degrees.....haha! Oh my life!
So this turned out to be much longer than I was expecting. I originally just wanted to say that I'd been re-admitted, but it ended up becoming an exploration into all the FEELINGS I had before and during the meeting. So if you've read this far, you're awesome!
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Saturday, November 17, 2012
When Work Gets Annoying
So I'm at work, and my co-worker, A, that I mostly love, is sweet talking with her boyfriend.
It's really annoying.
She's sitting here, right next to me, talking with him, which I mostly don't care about, because I could do my own things, wasting time here on the web. However, she does this weird thing where she looks at me when she thinks she's said something funny, to see my reaction. I'm not interested in their conversation, so I'm not trying to pay attention, so I won't notice if she's said something funny or cute. And yet, she looks at me at least once every 2 minutes, to wink, or smile, or laugh, so I can laugh as well, since I guess I'm her conspirator.
Listen, A, you're talking to your boyfriend, not me. I don't care what you guys are talking about. I don't care that the both of you are being cute and enjoying each other's time. I'm definitely happy for you, but I definitely don't want to be the third person in your conversation. Please leave me out. Okay?
Oh, what? No? You'd like to show off how happy you and cute you are? So you'll continue to do this annoying habit? Well, since I'm a pushover, I'll go with it, and continue to smile and laugh every time you look at me, even though I haven't been paying attention to what you said.
Good times at work!
It's really annoying.
She's sitting here, right next to me, talking with him, which I mostly don't care about, because I could do my own things, wasting time here on the web. However, she does this weird thing where she looks at me when she thinks she's said something funny, to see my reaction. I'm not interested in their conversation, so I'm not trying to pay attention, so I won't notice if she's said something funny or cute. And yet, she looks at me at least once every 2 minutes, to wink, or smile, or laugh, so I can laugh as well, since I guess I'm her conspirator.
Listen, A, you're talking to your boyfriend, not me. I don't care what you guys are talking about. I don't care that the both of you are being cute and enjoying each other's time. I'm definitely happy for you, but I definitely don't want to be the third person in your conversation. Please leave me out. Okay?
Oh, what? No? You'd like to show off how happy you and cute you are? So you'll continue to do this annoying habit? Well, since I'm a pushover, I'll go with it, and continue to smile and laugh every time you look at me, even though I haven't been paying attention to what you said.
Good times at work!
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Sunday Ramblings
This week in short detail:
I was supposed to volunteer on Monday, but made up a lie about feeling sick so I wouldn't have to go in. I wasn't feeling it that day. I went on to do nothing. I spend A TON of time on the internet doing nothing. I trolled Eat Your Kimchi's blog some more. It was fun, BUT, also educational! I realized that they have a fantastic relationship, and they are someone I would like to model my future relationship on.
Oh! I forgot that I got called in to work on Monday, so I didn't completely waste my time, I worked for 6hours! But I got so bored, because Mondays are absolutely slow, that I bought two books from Barnes and Noble to read: The Assassin's Curse by Cassandra Rose Clarke. This book was fantastic! I loved her world, it's always lovely to read a book with a new spin on magic and fantasy. I love when it's done well! She also wrote the romantic tension between the main characters well, leaving the readers wanting more!
The second book started out slow, but ended up being pretty good as well; The Unnaturalists by Tiffany Trent. Her world is completely foreign, but still similar enough to work. She has some really dark themes that actually reflect modern practices. The story itself was pretty cool. It was a good week in reading.
When I did volunteer, on Thursday, we went to a client's house that made us delicious noms. I need to learn to make all the different types of food that I get to eat all the time! I want to know how to make all the delicious noms before I leave this city!
My younger sister #1 got upset at younger sister #2, because #2, who is at uni, apparently doesn't communicate with her, a la my older sister. It was a kinda awkward and emotional talk, because she was upset that she was the one initiating communication with #2, as well as with my older sister, when neither of the two initiated communication with her....sound a little familiar? Yeah. Awkward because she then decided she wasn't going to communicate with either of them unless they talked to her first, and made an active attempt to be better at communicating. She also commanded me not to tell them to talk to her, because she wanted them to actually want to communicate with her, not because they felt they were being forced to, because we are all sisters, after all! This is basically the feelings I'd had towards my older sister. It was so odd to see it be repeated in #1. It was also awkward because #2 actually communicates with me, kind of. We send each other random texts constantly. But #1 wants #2 to actually talk to her, like, about her day and stuff, not the random stuff she sends me. So there's the problem they have of two different communication styles, and neither wanting to cooperate with each other. #2 is actually trying to talk with her more often now, because she realized she had been non-communicative with her, but #1 is being prideful, and only giving short, one-answer replies to the texts #2 sends. We'll see how it goes.
That's all blah and blah. However, I kind of came to a realization after this incident, that #1 and I are in a peculiar situation, in that we are at home, while our other two sisters are not. We're starved of friends and activities that can demand our attention, and so we want attention from our sisters. Perhaps if we were away form home, we'd also be less communicative, because we'd have more to demand our attention. #1 and I have also spend the longest time at home. #2 and my older sister have been in and out of the house for 4 and 6 years, respectively. So they're pretty independent, and don't feel the pressure of constantly staying in touch as much. My father asks me where I'm going and why every time I leave the house. I have a 9pm curfew. I have to ask before I go to people's houses. I know #1 feels more family pressure to stay in touch than my older sister, because she actually does try to stay in contact and keep us up-to-date about her activities, because she realized how horribly it went when my older sister didn't do that, but she still doesn't feel it as much as us. So, I think, once we've been out of the house for longer as well, we'll start getting used to talking to our sisters less often. I dunno. Life. And growing up. It's all very scary, and worrisome!
And then I worked Friday, Saturday, and today. So that was pretty much all that happened this last week.
I was supposed to volunteer on Monday, but made up a lie about feeling sick so I wouldn't have to go in. I wasn't feeling it that day. I went on to do nothing. I spend A TON of time on the internet doing nothing. I trolled Eat Your Kimchi's blog some more. It was fun, BUT, also educational! I realized that they have a fantastic relationship, and they are someone I would like to model my future relationship on.
Oh! I forgot that I got called in to work on Monday, so I didn't completely waste my time, I worked for 6hours! But I got so bored, because Mondays are absolutely slow, that I bought two books from Barnes and Noble to read: The Assassin's Curse by Cassandra Rose Clarke. This book was fantastic! I loved her world, it's always lovely to read a book with a new spin on magic and fantasy. I love when it's done well! She also wrote the romantic tension between the main characters well, leaving the readers wanting more!
The second book started out slow, but ended up being pretty good as well; The Unnaturalists by Tiffany Trent. Her world is completely foreign, but still similar enough to work. She has some really dark themes that actually reflect modern practices. The story itself was pretty cool. It was a good week in reading.
When I did volunteer, on Thursday, we went to a client's house that made us delicious noms. I need to learn to make all the different types of food that I get to eat all the time! I want to know how to make all the delicious noms before I leave this city!
My younger sister #1 got upset at younger sister #2, because #2, who is at uni, apparently doesn't communicate with her, a la my older sister. It was a kinda awkward and emotional talk, because she was upset that she was the one initiating communication with #2, as well as with my older sister, when neither of the two initiated communication with her....sound a little familiar? Yeah. Awkward because she then decided she wasn't going to communicate with either of them unless they talked to her first, and made an active attempt to be better at communicating. She also commanded me not to tell them to talk to her, because she wanted them to actually want to communicate with her, not because they felt they were being forced to, because we are all sisters, after all! This is basically the feelings I'd had towards my older sister. It was so odd to see it be repeated in #1. It was also awkward because #2 actually communicates with me, kind of. We send each other random texts constantly. But #1 wants #2 to actually talk to her, like, about her day and stuff, not the random stuff she sends me. So there's the problem they have of two different communication styles, and neither wanting to cooperate with each other. #2 is actually trying to talk with her more often now, because she realized she had been non-communicative with her, but #1 is being prideful, and only giving short, one-answer replies to the texts #2 sends. We'll see how it goes.
That's all blah and blah. However, I kind of came to a realization after this incident, that #1 and I are in a peculiar situation, in that we are at home, while our other two sisters are not. We're starved of friends and activities that can demand our attention, and so we want attention from our sisters. Perhaps if we were away form home, we'd also be less communicative, because we'd have more to demand our attention. #1 and I have also spend the longest time at home. #2 and my older sister have been in and out of the house for 4 and 6 years, respectively. So they're pretty independent, and don't feel the pressure of constantly staying in touch as much. My father asks me where I'm going and why every time I leave the house. I have a 9pm curfew. I have to ask before I go to people's houses. I know #1 feels more family pressure to stay in touch than my older sister, because she actually does try to stay in contact and keep us up-to-date about her activities, because she realized how horribly it went when my older sister didn't do that, but she still doesn't feel it as much as us. So, I think, once we've been out of the house for longer as well, we'll start getting used to talking to our sisters less often. I dunno. Life. And growing up. It's all very scary, and worrisome!
And then I worked Friday, Saturday, and today. So that was pretty much all that happened this last week.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Sunday Afternoon Ramblings
I'm at work, it's Sunday, it's boring, and I'm wasting time away on my computer. I'm listening to one of my channels on Pandora, and for once, Pandora is playing an awesome selection of music I like. I'm drinking tea, tea!! I just trolled on Simon and Martina's Eat Your Kimchi blog. Basically, I kind of want to post something. But I don't have a specific idea to expand upon, so I guess this post will just be thoughts I've been thinking about lately.
In an update about my love life-that-actually-never-even-existed-to-begin-with, I'm ok with all of it. There's still this part of me that longs for a relationship, but that part has always been there. I think it's because I feel like I'm really understood by those around me, and I don't feel comfortable trusting the people around me to know all of my faults, so I long for a person that will truly understand and accept me. It would kind of be perfect if that person turned out to be my husband. Hopefully that's not too naive of a wish??
I need to stop eating so much junk food:
In an update about my love life-that-actually-never-even-existed-to-begin-with, I'm ok with all of it. There's still this part of me that longs for a relationship, but that part has always been there. I think it's because I feel like I'm really understood by those around me, and I don't feel comfortable trusting the people around me to know all of my faults, so I long for a person that will truly understand and accept me. It would kind of be perfect if that person turned out to be my husband. Hopefully that's not too naive of a wish??
I need to stop eating so much junk food:
Yes, that is, in fact, a WHOLE chocolate cake that I am eating, all by myself.
I talked to my older sister yesterday, since we'll be in Korea in December, and it's about time I discuss details with her. It's kind of awkward, because she talks as though nothing happened, which is fine, I guess. I'm just nervously waiting for that time when we're going to have to talk about EVERYTHING, and when I might get misunderstood again by another person close to me. This is why I just don't communicate with her anymore. I'm a worrier, and I worry about things all the time, so it's just easier to not communicate with her and not worry about our problems. I know that I'm avoiding the problem, but only because she's avoiding the problem. I've tried to force her to work through our issues, and it hasn't worked, so I'm just going to avoid it as well, and not worry about it. Fate has decided to play one of the only Lincoln Park songs she likes on Pandora. Huh. I laugh at you, Fate.
I have to clean the whole store today, and I'm not looking forward to it. I'm supposed to close in 30min, and it takes about 30min to clean and close, so it looks like I'm going to be staying after work cleaning! I feel bad asking them to write down the extra time, since I did about 5 customers today, so I'll just suck it up and clean, then leave.
I was supposed to take a shower today so I could hang out with some friends today, but, I didn't feel like it. So yeah, I'm gonna hibernate at home in my dirty, stinky room! :D
NBA season has started! And because I'm so bored and am doing nothing with my life, I've been watching games, when I usually just start watching around playoffs. But I like basketball, so at least I'm not wandering around over the web-sphere trying in vain to find something to entertain me.
I have to re-apply for admission for my uni, and I have a meeting in 2 weeks to look over my paperwork with an adviser who will let me know if I will be accepted or not. So if I won't be accepted, I'm kind of screwed. I think I'll just see if I can stay in Korea for longer, as an excuse for not being able to finish my crap? Ugh. I dunno. We'll see what happens. Plans. I hate making all these plans that I never follow through on. I guess I take after my father in that. I always hated it when he wouldn't follow through, and then I turned out to do the same.
One of my college friends that also went through depression around the same time that I did wants to chat with me next week. We chat about every two months or so. I like her, and I think I can often give her good advice, but I'm starting to realize that I don't really enjoy talking to her. It feels like a chore. Sigh. This happens to me a lot. I have this thing I call social obligations, during which I force myself to hang out with people, even when it feels like a chore, because I feel that it will at least benefit them.
Lately, I've been making lists in my head about my quirks, and I just want to have someone to tell them to. "I eat pb&j's a lot, I wipe my nose on my sleeve, I can be an impulsive when grocery shopping...etc" I just want someone to KNOW these things about me, basically, longing for that person, again.
So I suppose I should start cleaning now :(
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Can I Just Be An NBA Commentator?
I like to watch the NBA. I can get obsessed at times. Yeah, it's one of those fangirl things, because I'm like a fangirl when it comes to the NBA and the players that I like. But, I'd also like to point out that there are fanboys in sports. There is this fantastic basketball blog that I sometimes follow, that is funny and quite touching. It was my first experience with fanboys, and made me realize that it's completely ok to be a sports fangirl. So yeah.
Anywho, I'm streaming a game right now, and I was listening to the commentators bring up all these statistics and random facts, and I thought, "How lovely their lives must be, to have a job dedicated to saying facts and statistics about a sport!"
I mean, really!! There are so many lovely and appealing jobs out there, but I just realized that being a sports commentator is one of them! I would positively LOVE to memorize random facts about awesome players who entertain me on a routinely basis. I absolutely admire basketball players, and I just can't imagine how lucky I'd be to have a job devoted to them.
Or.....I could just be an assistant to someone I could fangirl over, because I'd also be a damn good assistant. Huh.
Anywho, I'm streaming a game right now, and I was listening to the commentators bring up all these statistics and random facts, and I thought, "How lovely their lives must be, to have a job dedicated to saying facts and statistics about a sport!"
I mean, really!! There are so many lovely and appealing jobs out there, but I just realized that being a sports commentator is one of them! I would positively LOVE to memorize random facts about awesome players who entertain me on a routinely basis. I absolutely admire basketball players, and I just can't imagine how lucky I'd be to have a job devoted to them.
Or.....I could just be an assistant to someone I could fangirl over, because I'd also be a damn good assistant. Huh.
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