I've just finished 8.5hrs of my 10hr shift, and I've done almost nothing. I took care of 6 customers, perhaps 45min total. I'll have to clean before closing, so I'll have done 1.5hrs of actual work today, and still gotten paid for 10hrs. I know this amazing, and I don't mean to sound as though I'm bragging, but it's just, I also did nothing for myself. I didn't attempt to advance any plans/goals I have. I just surfed the web, for 8hours. I ran out of things to do after 3hours, and then I just searched in vain for ways to waste my time online.
At some point, I don't even really remember, I took a 30min break, to go buy food. They say we shouldn't grocery shop while hungry....well. So I bought a whole pecan pie, mini chocolate cupcakes, and frozen spring rolls (for $10 :( moniesssssssss!!) I've already tried all three, and I also already regret all three purchases. Sigh. I have to do this at least once every fortnight, though, because I get these insane urges to go buy some ridiculous food that I usually don't let myself buy, except for the once-a-fortnight-grocery-shopping-spree.
My father has decided that our curfew is now 9pm. I'm 23 years old, by the way. Yeah, sometimes I just gotta let him feel like he has some control, because, pretty soon, he's not going to have any. I just wish we could've worked together, instead of my parents forcing me to do drastic things.
I did my laundry last week! And cleaned the bathroom! And cooked some food! And took a shower! And did some henna for some people to make moniessss!! So I can promise that I won't be productive for the next month....maybe that's why I was puddle of goo these past few days....(remember that one song by puddle of mud??)
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Angry Dads
So my sisters and I, along with my cousin, go dumpster diving.
It's not what you're thinking. Yes, it can be dirty, but it is actually quite beneficial. We get a lot of perfectly edible produce, as well as merchandise that can be easily fixed. It's saved us tons of money on grocery shopping, and has allowed us to own some really cool items-such as feather pillows!
We've been doing this for about 5months now, and we'd gotten pretty good...or so we thought.
Let me set up the story for you:
My father does not know about our night excursions, because he is old fashioned and narrow minded, we knew he find the idea disgusting. Unfortunately, my father sometimes works at a gas station, and he tends to get chatty with his customers. He recently did a shift at the station, and spoke with a police officer, who told my father about some girls who go dumpster diving around Fort Wayne. The police officer then proceeded to tell my father some very specific details that led my father to realize that the officer was talking about his own children. Such details estimated heights, which stores we'd been to, and, more importantly, the license plate number and the name it was registered to; my cousin's husband. We're also apparently on a watch list, and, hilariously, are the hot topic around the police station.
I am confused.
At one point, early in our dumpster diving history, we'd been caught in the act by a police officer, who told us that what we were doing was perfectly legal, he'd only come to check that we weren't doing drugs, or whatever. He then left us to finish doing our thing. After that, we'd always assumed we were in the right....so why are we on a watch list?? Also, if we were doing something illegal, why didn't the police, after learning the license plate number, call my cousin to talk to her about dumpster diving and how it's illegal?? I don't quite know what's happening on a legal standpoint, and I kind of want to call up a police officer and ask whether it's actually illegal or not.
But yeah, my father is pretty pissed. We're all sort of tip-toeing around him, since he gets pretty bad when he's upset. I don't really mind, since it will blow over at some point, it's just going to be a pretty annoying week, and he's definitely going to reference this in the future. Ugh. Yay for being a constant failure! :D
It's not what you're thinking. Yes, it can be dirty, but it is actually quite beneficial. We get a lot of perfectly edible produce, as well as merchandise that can be easily fixed. It's saved us tons of money on grocery shopping, and has allowed us to own some really cool items-such as feather pillows!
We've been doing this for about 5months now, and we'd gotten pretty good...or so we thought.
Let me set up the story for you:
My father does not know about our night excursions, because he is old fashioned and narrow minded, we knew he find the idea disgusting. Unfortunately, my father sometimes works at a gas station, and he tends to get chatty with his customers. He recently did a shift at the station, and spoke with a police officer, who told my father about some girls who go dumpster diving around Fort Wayne. The police officer then proceeded to tell my father some very specific details that led my father to realize that the officer was talking about his own children. Such details estimated heights, which stores we'd been to, and, more importantly, the license plate number and the name it was registered to; my cousin's husband. We're also apparently on a watch list, and, hilariously, are the hot topic around the police station.
I am confused.
At one point, early in our dumpster diving history, we'd been caught in the act by a police officer, who told us that what we were doing was perfectly legal, he'd only come to check that we weren't doing drugs, or whatever. He then left us to finish doing our thing. After that, we'd always assumed we were in the right....so why are we on a watch list?? Also, if we were doing something illegal, why didn't the police, after learning the license plate number, call my cousin to talk to her about dumpster diving and how it's illegal?? I don't quite know what's happening on a legal standpoint, and I kind of want to call up a police officer and ask whether it's actually illegal or not.
But yeah, my father is pretty pissed. We're all sort of tip-toeing around him, since he gets pretty bad when he's upset. I don't really mind, since it will blow over at some point, it's just going to be a pretty annoying week, and he's definitely going to reference this in the future. Ugh. Yay for being a constant failure! :D
Sometimes work is Rawrsome!!
Often, I hate work. I've been doing the same job for the past 2.5 years. It's getting old. I get tired of the customers, the repetitiveness, the back pain, the pay, and the most especially, the co-workers. I only ever love work in two situations, when I'm working by myself, or when I'm working with my co-worker A.
A is simply fantastic. She's around the same age, and also in uni. She's tons of fun and makes me laugh even when I didn't feel like I wanted to be happy that day. She cherishes herself and her happiness, and pushes me to care for myself as well. I hadn't realized how completely comfortable I'd become with her until today.
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My boss opened a new store, and because he is cheap, he hasn't bought chairs for his workers yet. To his credit, we can sit on the chairs where the customers sit, but it's hard to manage a computer while sitting in them. Left with no where to sit where I could more comfortably waste time on my computer, I brought in pillows to sit on. However, I always felt odd sitting on the floor and spreading my crap everywhere when I'm working with my other co-workers. When A is here, I don't worry about sitting on the floor or being neat in front of her.
But I also realized, just today, that I'm more open with her, emotionally, than I am with my other co-workers. I laugh so openly with her, and often over the smallest things! We work a 10hr shift together, and we get so crazy from being tired, that we laugh over the craziest things. We also act crazy, we take turns taking naps, we take tips (because we're not supposed to keep them-that's another story!), we take longer breaks than we're supposed to, we've eve sat down and had impromptu grand-ish meals.
It's great, and it's all possible because of her, because of her personality, because of her love for life. Yeah, I'm pretty happy today. *cheesy smile*
A is simply fantastic. She's around the same age, and also in uni. She's tons of fun and makes me laugh even when I didn't feel like I wanted to be happy that day. She cherishes herself and her happiness, and pushes me to care for myself as well. I hadn't realized how completely comfortable I'd become with her until today.
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Our "work space". Images like this make me insanely happy inside.
My boss opened a new store, and because he is cheap, he hasn't bought chairs for his workers yet. To his credit, we can sit on the chairs where the customers sit, but it's hard to manage a computer while sitting in them. Left with no where to sit where I could more comfortably waste time on my computer, I brought in pillows to sit on. However, I always felt odd sitting on the floor and spreading my crap everywhere when I'm working with my other co-workers. When A is here, I don't worry about sitting on the floor or being neat in front of her.
But I also realized, just today, that I'm more open with her, emotionally, than I am with my other co-workers. I laugh so openly with her, and often over the smallest things! We work a 10hr shift together, and we get so crazy from being tired, that we laugh over the craziest things. We also act crazy, we take turns taking naps, we take tips (because we're not supposed to keep them-that's another story!), we take longer breaks than we're supposed to, we've eve sat down and had impromptu grand-ish meals.
It's great, and it's all possible because of her, because of her personality, because of her love for life. Yeah, I'm pretty happy today. *cheesy smile*
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Aversion to Cleanliness
I hate the process of getting ready to take a shower. I'm probably one of the incredibly small portion of people that has to pump herself/himself up to take a shower. I've avoided this chore all week, and today is a day when I'm completely free and available to take a shower. And yet, I've still managed to waste the past few hours "in preparation" for taking a shower.
This is my life.
It's very hard for me to do necessary things. It takes me a while to mentally prepare myself for doing the chore. Necessary things are just SO hard to do.
Anyways, so I've been playing fantastic music, trying to get energetic and pumped, so I'll jump out of this bed and into the tub.
It's gonna happen.....as soon as the song ends..
This is my life.
It's very hard for me to do necessary things. It takes me a while to mentally prepare myself for doing the chore. Necessary things are just SO hard to do.
Anyways, so I've been playing fantastic music, trying to get energetic and pumped, so I'll jump out of this bed and into the tub.
It's gonna happen.....as soon as the song ends..
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Rejection
The problem is that I'm not accepting his answer as rejection. It seems like it's going to work out perfectly, he'll see if he likes that girl, and when he doesn't, he'll come holler at me, at a time when I'm better emotionally. Which is making it really difficult for me to see this as a "No." Because that's what it is, a "No."
On the bright side, the fantasizing has stopped, so that's good. I'm still compulsively checking facebook, but I think that's going to go down as well. So I think I'm going to eventually see this as rejection, I'll just be sadder then, because, right now, I'm sort of fine with it, since I think it might go somewhere eventually. I think, once I face reality, I'll be a bit sadder.
On the bright side, the fantasizing has stopped, so that's good. I'm still compulsively checking facebook, but I think that's going to go down as well. So I think I'm going to eventually see this as rejection, I'll just be sadder then, because, right now, I'm sort of fine with it, since I think it might go somewhere eventually. I think, once I face reality, I'll be a bit sadder.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Fb checking
UGH. I'm knee deep in compulsive Facebook-checking. I have nothing else to do but check Facebook, meander away, and then come back to Facebook. After lessening myself from it's neediness, I am now hooked again, and not only am I stalking the guy, but I am now up-to-date on all my acquaintances that I never speak to. UGH.
After the Fact
Let's be honest, I'm obsessing over the guy. It's been about a day since I found out how he reacted when he learned that I am interested in him, and it's been a crazy day full of thoughts. Thoughts of what could have have been.
I am really glad that I now know where everything stands, but I'm also sad because I obviously wanted him to be available to start something. While I know I'm not ready for a relationship right now, I don't like the waiting game. Because that's the other thing, I think this is a waiting game....I'm thinking he'll choose me in the end. I know I'm being a bit cocky, but my mind assumes I'm the better choice, obviously, so it assumes that he's going to find out that he doesn't like the other girl, and then come to me, at which point, I'll be happier, and more prepared to start something as well. Which would be fine. But what if he follows through with this girl that he made a commitment to? Blargh.
So, basically, I've been fantasizing, this last day, of what it could have been like if we were dating. I also have this compulsive itch to check facebook every second that's "reasonable," because that's his only way of communicating with me, and so, of course I have to check it to make sure he hasn't sent me something that I haven't responded to!!
I'm new at this stuff, so can I chalk this up to just being a girl who had her hopes crushed? It's ok to obsess/fantasize about him, right? I think I'm going to give myself a week or so to be overly obsessed, and then I think I'll naturally back off. By the end of my adventures in Korea, I think I won't be too concerned anymore, though I think it will be in the back of my mind. Which will be good, because this will put less mental stress on me, if/when I start uni again next semester.
Everything will work out how I need it to, I just don't quite believe that right now. And I'm starting to realize that's ok, I'm allowed to have those moments of grief, lol.
I am really glad that I now know where everything stands, but I'm also sad because I obviously wanted him to be available to start something. While I know I'm not ready for a relationship right now, I don't like the waiting game. Because that's the other thing, I think this is a waiting game....I'm thinking he'll choose me in the end. I know I'm being a bit cocky, but my mind assumes I'm the better choice, obviously, so it assumes that he's going to find out that he doesn't like the other girl, and then come to me, at which point, I'll be happier, and more prepared to start something as well. Which would be fine. But what if he follows through with this girl that he made a commitment to? Blargh.
So, basically, I've been fantasizing, this last day, of what it could have been like if we were dating. I also have this compulsive itch to check facebook every second that's "reasonable," because that's his only way of communicating with me, and so, of course I have to check it to make sure he hasn't sent me something that I haven't responded to!!
I'm new at this stuff, so can I chalk this up to just being a girl who had her hopes crushed? It's ok to obsess/fantasize about him, right? I think I'm going to give myself a week or so to be overly obsessed, and then I think I'll naturally back off. By the end of my adventures in Korea, I think I won't be too concerned anymore, though I think it will be in the back of my mind. Which will be good, because this will put less mental stress on me, if/when I start uni again next semester.
Everything will work out how I need it to, I just don't quite believe that right now. And I'm starting to realize that's ok, I'm allowed to have those moments of grief, lol.
Monday, October 15, 2012
The Time is Not Right Now
So I finally called my friend! Their conversation went something like this, she had previously told him that there was a girl interested in him, but she didn't tell him his name. So when they started talking last night, before she could start talking, he wanted to make his position clear to her. He's currently looking into a girl right now. Both families have already spoken to each other, and they're considering formally dating. His father is pretty prominent where he lives, so he doesn't want to back out of the arrangement, since he really doesn't know me or if I'm right for him, and he's already made a commitment to this girl. So he's going to go through with their formal dating, which involves him and the girl talking to one another, with the families' permission. After getting to know one another, if they think things should move on, they get married. If not, they break things.
It's a bit of a relief, because I was wracked with nerves about the whole thing, and now that everyone knows how everyone else feels and each others' positions, it's much clearer, and, therefore, better. My friend suggested that I try looking into other people, and if his arrangement doesn't work out, and I'm still single then we can both try to start something then. According to her, he was pleasantly surprised that I was the one interested in him, so if things don't work out with what he's in right now, I'll be a possibility, which I like very much. Because, really, I'm not ready for a relationship right now. This also gives me some time to get my life more on track, towards my eventual goals. If he ends up marrying that girl, that's awesome for him, and I won't regret not bringing up that I liked him, and if he doesn't marry her, hopefully I'll be in a better place, and more prepared to start a relationship.
Thank God. My friend told me I'd feel much better regardless of what happened, if we started a relationship or not, and she was SO right, this is another thing that I was scared of doing and wanted to run all the way in the other direction from. The fact that I got myself to do it, through all of the scariness, that I overcame my fears, and that I finished this task, that I followed through with another thing, is confident building. I feel good. Awkward, but good.
It's a bit of a relief, because I was wracked with nerves about the whole thing, and now that everyone knows how everyone else feels and each others' positions, it's much clearer, and, therefore, better. My friend suggested that I try looking into other people, and if his arrangement doesn't work out, and I'm still single then we can both try to start something then. According to her, he was pleasantly surprised that I was the one interested in him, so if things don't work out with what he's in right now, I'll be a possibility, which I like very much. Because, really, I'm not ready for a relationship right now. This also gives me some time to get my life more on track, towards my eventual goals. If he ends up marrying that girl, that's awesome for him, and I won't regret not bringing up that I liked him, and if he doesn't marry her, hopefully I'll be in a better place, and more prepared to start a relationship.
Thank God. My friend told me I'd feel much better regardless of what happened, if we started a relationship or not, and she was SO right, this is another thing that I was scared of doing and wanted to run all the way in the other direction from. The fact that I got myself to do it, through all of the scariness, that I overcame my fears, and that I finished this task, that I followed through with another thing, is confident building. I feel good. Awkward, but good.
What Did He Answer???
Last night, I played spades online with some friends. We used to play spades at uni, until the organizer in the group went to Korea to teach English...I know, it's a trend in my life. I used the card game as a way to get myself out of the house last semester, and it was pretty fun. Now that the organizer is in Korea, the meetings have stopped, but the guy definitely misses them, so he organized a way for us to play online. Yesterday was the first such meeting.
It went on for a few hours, enough that I was distracted from the talk that was going to happen between my friend and the guy. And then I decided to watch two of my tv dramas online because I wasn't tired yet. By the time I was done doing all that I could to distract myself, it was midnight, and it was still an hour until they were scheduled to talk.
So I tried to go to sleep, but of course I couldn't. I kept waking up, and checking my phone to see if my friend had texted me anything, and she hadn't. Then I kept waking up because I wanted to make sure I got up early enough that I could head into work and check my email to see if either of them had emailed me. I had such an urge to just open my computer when I kept waking up, but I knew it would be no use, so I waited until I came into work, 15min early, to open my laptop and check. And there's nothing. No email. From either of them. WTF people, wtf.
I'm sitting here, really nervous and anxious, wanting to know what the fuck he answered. I want to text my friend, but I'm pretty sure she's sleeping, so I'll have to wait an hour or two before I feel comfortable texting her. Also, I'm working with a co-worker that I don't particularly like, and I'm also expecting a call from the uni to set up an appointment about my re-admission, which is a secret I'm obviously keeping from the co-worker, so this should be all types of fun.
UGH.
It went on for a few hours, enough that I was distracted from the talk that was going to happen between my friend and the guy. And then I decided to watch two of my tv dramas online because I wasn't tired yet. By the time I was done doing all that I could to distract myself, it was midnight, and it was still an hour until they were scheduled to talk.
So I tried to go to sleep, but of course I couldn't. I kept waking up, and checking my phone to see if my friend had texted me anything, and she hadn't. Then I kept waking up because I wanted to make sure I got up early enough that I could head into work and check my email to see if either of them had emailed me. I had such an urge to just open my computer when I kept waking up, but I knew it would be no use, so I waited until I came into work, 15min early, to open my laptop and check. And there's nothing. No email. From either of them. WTF people, wtf.
I'm sitting here, really nervous and anxious, wanting to know what the fuck he answered. I want to text my friend, but I'm pretty sure she's sleeping, so I'll have to wait an hour or two before I feel comfortable texting her. Also, I'm working with a co-worker that I don't particularly like, and I'm also expecting a call from the uni to set up an appointment about my re-admission, which is a secret I'm obviously keeping from the co-worker, so this should be all types of fun.
UGH.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Siblings and their Awesomeness
The awesome thing about having many siblings is knowing that they'll always be there for you. This is something I kind of inherently expect, which is probably one reason why my older sister not being there for me is so difficult.
However, let's focus on the positive of sibling relationships for this post!
Today, a friend of mine needed a ride somewhere, but I couldn't take her because I had to go to work. I knew she was desperate if she was calling me, so I immediately thought of younger sister #1, because I knew she wasn't working today, and I also knew that she would be dropping younger sister #2 back at uni, so I offered her help, immediately, without even asking #2 if she was ok with me offering her help. It was after I offered my sister's help and confirmed that she would be there to pick up my friend that I went and asked my sister if she would be willing to do the deed....in such a way that she knew there was little room for her to say no.
I'm pretty sure they hate me when I'm like this, but I can't help it! In this instance, I knew it wouldn't inconvience her that much, so I offered her help for a semi-emergency.
I do this often. When I set up fundraisers, parties, or volunteering events, I expect my siblings to help. There is no question about it. I expect them to help, they know it, and they usually deliver. When it comes to these situations, they are awesome, simply awesome. They always give their best, and deal with my ocd and demands without too much complaint. I really don't give them enough credit.
So yeah, my siblings are awesome, and it's a fantastic feeling to know that they will always be there for me when I need them, without too much complaint. Being part of big family has it's perks, and I really don't acknowledge that often enough. :D
However, let's focus on the positive of sibling relationships for this post!
Today, a friend of mine needed a ride somewhere, but I couldn't take her because I had to go to work. I knew she was desperate if she was calling me, so I immediately thought of younger sister #1, because I knew she wasn't working today, and I also knew that she would be dropping younger sister #2 back at uni, so I offered her help, immediately, without even asking #2 if she was ok with me offering her help. It was after I offered my sister's help and confirmed that she would be there to pick up my friend that I went and asked my sister if she would be willing to do the deed....in such a way that she knew there was little room for her to say no.
I'm pretty sure they hate me when I'm like this, but I can't help it! In this instance, I knew it wouldn't inconvience her that much, so I offered her help for a semi-emergency.
I do this often. When I set up fundraisers, parties, or volunteering events, I expect my siblings to help. There is no question about it. I expect them to help, they know it, and they usually deliver. When it comes to these situations, they are awesome, simply awesome. They always give their best, and deal with my ocd and demands without too much complaint. I really don't give them enough credit.
So yeah, my siblings are awesome, and it's a fantastic feeling to know that they will always be there for me when I need them, without too much complaint. Being part of big family has it's perks, and I really don't acknowledge that often enough. :D
Starting New Things
So I've decided to try to start a relationship with this guy I have a crush on. Our mutual friend is going to talk to him tonight to see if he's interested in me. If he is, she'll tell him to email me.
So. . .
Nerves. That's what.
She's going to talk to him in about 10hours. Maybe she'll text me after she talks to him to let me know what happened? Maybe he'll email me after the conversation? Maybe he'll take a week to think things over before giving an answer? Maybe he'll say no, which would be comforting, since it would eliminate all the possibilities? Or maybe he'll say yes, and then I'll have to figure out how to talk to him, how to tell him all this shit that I've been going through, how to re-assure him that'll be ok in the end (when I'm not even confident in that myself). Maybe he'll be wrong for me, but I won't know how to tell him. Maybe he'll be right for me, but I'll push him away.
Oh. The. Possibilities.
SO. NERVE RACKING.
So. . .
Nerves. That's what.
She's going to talk to him in about 10hours. Maybe she'll text me after she talks to him to let me know what happened? Maybe he'll email me after the conversation? Maybe he'll take a week to think things over before giving an answer? Maybe he'll say no, which would be comforting, since it would eliminate all the possibilities? Or maybe he'll say yes, and then I'll have to figure out how to talk to him, how to tell him all this shit that I've been going through, how to re-assure him that'll be ok in the end (when I'm not even confident in that myself). Maybe he'll be wrong for me, but I won't know how to tell him. Maybe he'll be right for me, but I'll push him away.
Oh. The. Possibilities.
SO. NERVE RACKING.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Multiple Personalities
Can I be gangsta a la Outlandish? Dirty in "Ready to Love," pop in "TriumF," and yet, always clever?
I want to be them alllllllllll.
It's not that I want to be gangsta or pop, it's more that I want to be THEM.
Pretty much.
I want to be them alllllllllll.
It's not that I want to be gangsta or pop, it's more that I want to be THEM.
Pretty much.
Work Sucks
Fuck. I just went on break from work, for an hour, which many of the girls at work often do when it's not busy. Well, the boss came in as soon as I left, and I didn't feel my phone vibrate, so I didn't hear them call me. So, now they're all upset, and I guess I'm going to get 1hr cut from my paycheck. Well.
I'm kind of going to accept this?? Because I did do something wrong, and it was my own stupidity that I didn't check my phone, so, yeah, perhaps I'll just accept the 1hr deduction.
I just lost $7.75 while spending money on gifts I didn't want to buy. :/
I'm kind of going to accept this?? Because I did do something wrong, and it was my own stupidity that I didn't check my phone, so, yeah, perhaps I'll just accept the 1hr deduction.
I just lost $7.75 while spending money on gifts I didn't want to buy. :/
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Panic Attacks
What is it about school that just causes me to have panic attacks every time I think or am forced to deal with it??
Today, I finally called my university to figure out what to do about re-admission, and I was positively freaking out inside. While I'm proud of myself for actually calling, I'm starting to get freaked out about whether or not I'll be re-admitted, whether or not I'll finally be able to finish classes this time, and whether or not I'll be able to finish those 45 credits before next summer's end.
blargh.
I basically ignored school for the past few months, and it's been sooo nice. So having to think about it again freaks me out.
This is my last last-chance.
Today, I finally called my university to figure out what to do about re-admission, and I was positively freaking out inside. While I'm proud of myself for actually calling, I'm starting to get freaked out about whether or not I'll be re-admitted, whether or not I'll finally be able to finish classes this time, and whether or not I'll be able to finish those 45 credits before next summer's end.
blargh.
I basically ignored school for the past few months, and it's been sooo nice. So having to think about it again freaks me out.
This is my last last-chance.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
My Break-Up With My Sister
A couple of weeks ago, I finally broke up with my sister.
I've started to realize all relationships are the same, be it that of family, friend, or lover. They all take a certain amount of work, understanding, and patience, among much other characteristics. Having realized that perhaps my older sister isn't ready to deal with everything that's happened, I realized I needed to get rid of our unhealthy relationship. I'm a worrier, and I worried about her way too much. I realized I just need to stop worrying about her, stop thinking about her, and the easiest way to do that was to just stop.
So I stopped.
I sent her a letter letting her know that I wasn't going to be attempting to keep our relationship going as much as I'd been trying in the past. It was important for me to try to explain that my not-talking-to-her was different from her not-talking-to-us, because I didn't want her to use this as validation for her past actions. I needed her to realize that I was only not-talking to her, and only because she was a pretty negative presence in my life, not on purpose, but as a result of her avoidance. So I sent her this email trying to explain all that, and I guess she became pretty confused, and asked my younger sister why I was SO angry with her, and what she should do to resolve the new issues that have suddenly come up.
My older sister, is, apparently, Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory, because she just really is not good with emotion at all.
However, it did help me realize that I was angry at her, not overly so, just that I was finally allowing myself to feel angry at her, and not on behalf of others. I'm sorry if I wrote about this in a different post, but I'd felt angry at her on behalf of my family this entire time, and I was only know letting myself feel angry with her, without any guilt.
It's been nice. I didn't have to think about her, worry about her, these past few weeks, and it was really liberating. I worried about myself, for a change, and I didn't worry about all the bad things I'd done, but I focused and worried about all the good changes I've recently been making in my life....thank God....I might finally be making progress????
It really just goes to show, a bad relationship is a bad relationship, and getting rid of it is much healthier than trying to cling to it.
This doesn't mean I'll never talk to my older sister again, it just means I'll work with her on our relationship when she's ready to commit, other wise, I won't spend time worrying about it when I could be worrying about better things.
I've started to realize all relationships are the same, be it that of family, friend, or lover. They all take a certain amount of work, understanding, and patience, among much other characteristics. Having realized that perhaps my older sister isn't ready to deal with everything that's happened, I realized I needed to get rid of our unhealthy relationship. I'm a worrier, and I worried about her way too much. I realized I just need to stop worrying about her, stop thinking about her, and the easiest way to do that was to just stop.
So I stopped.
I sent her a letter letting her know that I wasn't going to be attempting to keep our relationship going as much as I'd been trying in the past. It was important for me to try to explain that my not-talking-to-her was different from her not-talking-to-us, because I didn't want her to use this as validation for her past actions. I needed her to realize that I was only not-talking to her, and only because she was a pretty negative presence in my life, not on purpose, but as a result of her avoidance. So I sent her this email trying to explain all that, and I guess she became pretty confused, and asked my younger sister why I was SO angry with her, and what she should do to resolve the new issues that have suddenly come up.
My older sister, is, apparently, Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory, because she just really is not good with emotion at all.
However, it did help me realize that I was angry at her, not overly so, just that I was finally allowing myself to feel angry at her, and not on behalf of others. I'm sorry if I wrote about this in a different post, but I'd felt angry at her on behalf of my family this entire time, and I was only know letting myself feel angry with her, without any guilt.
It's been nice. I didn't have to think about her, worry about her, these past few weeks, and it was really liberating. I worried about myself, for a change, and I didn't worry about all the bad things I'd done, but I focused and worried about all the good changes I've recently been making in my life....thank God....I might finally be making progress????
It really just goes to show, a bad relationship is a bad relationship, and getting rid of it is much healthier than trying to cling to it.
This doesn't mean I'll never talk to my older sister again, it just means I'll work with her on our relationship when she's ready to commit, other wise, I won't spend time worrying about it when I could be worrying about better things.
Unfinished
I start many posts, and I don't finish many posts. I get ideas to write posts when I'm not near a computer, and then when I'm near a computer I'll forget those ideas. I'll also suddenly want to write posts...when I'm not near a computer, I've lost all of that motivation.
Motivation. I was attempting to explain to my little brother the other day how I often lack the motivation to just. get. things. done. It's such a weird dynamic in my family, because I'm nine years older than him, I am in a completely different time and chapter in my life right now. But, because I'm living at home, and because my siblings and I have always tried to be unequivocally equal in every sense, he often feels that we should be treated the same. This means, if I want to hang out with some friends late after work, he'll think it's ok for him to do the same thing. He doesn't see that 9year gap.
My parents also don't see that 9year gap, but that's another story.
I was thinking of dating this guy. I've had a crush on him for a while, and I recently found out he's looking to get married, so he's been seriously looking for a while now. Which sucks, because I'm not ready to get married yet. I think I'm pretty close, but, obviously, I'm dealing with a lot of shit right now, and getting into a relationship with all of this shit is probably a bad idea. Buuuuut, I don't want to miss this chance! What if we're good for each other? What if this is a guy I could marry? I don't want mess around with him and waste his time, if he's ready to get married, but I don't know how to get around all this shit...I definitely want to be honest and explain everything I'm going through, but I don't want him to feel like I'm using him to get out of something, and I don't want him to feel like I wasted his time, and I don't want to trust someone with all of my heart if it's not going to turn out to be serious. Blagh. What to do??
On another note, I've just gotten the OK to visit my friend and sister this winter!! My friend will be student teaching in Japan, and my older sister is in Korea. I'm not quite talking to my older sister right now, so that should be plenty awkward to live with her for a few weeks, but I'm not concerned. My friend and I will just waltz around Korea by ourselves and use her place to keep our stuff, bahaha! I don't know if I'll ever get a chance to go to Korea, so I want to go now, while my sister is there, so I won't have to pay for a hotel. I'm kind of really excited! I think it'll be good for me to spend some time away from everything and just have a break free of worry.
Yay for a finished post!! :D
Motivation. I was attempting to explain to my little brother the other day how I often lack the motivation to just. get. things. done. It's such a weird dynamic in my family, because I'm nine years older than him, I am in a completely different time and chapter in my life right now. But, because I'm living at home, and because my siblings and I have always tried to be unequivocally equal in every sense, he often feels that we should be treated the same. This means, if I want to hang out with some friends late after work, he'll think it's ok for him to do the same thing. He doesn't see that 9year gap.
My parents also don't see that 9year gap, but that's another story.
I was thinking of dating this guy. I've had a crush on him for a while, and I recently found out he's looking to get married, so he's been seriously looking for a while now. Which sucks, because I'm not ready to get married yet. I think I'm pretty close, but, obviously, I'm dealing with a lot of shit right now, and getting into a relationship with all of this shit is probably a bad idea. Buuuuut, I don't want to miss this chance! What if we're good for each other? What if this is a guy I could marry? I don't want mess around with him and waste his time, if he's ready to get married, but I don't know how to get around all this shit...I definitely want to be honest and explain everything I'm going through, but I don't want him to feel like I'm using him to get out of something, and I don't want him to feel like I wasted his time, and I don't want to trust someone with all of my heart if it's not going to turn out to be serious. Blagh. What to do??
On another note, I've just gotten the OK to visit my friend and sister this winter!! My friend will be student teaching in Japan, and my older sister is in Korea. I'm not quite talking to my older sister right now, so that should be plenty awkward to live with her for a few weeks, but I'm not concerned. My friend and I will just waltz around Korea by ourselves and use her place to keep our stuff, bahaha! I don't know if I'll ever get a chance to go to Korea, so I want to go now, while my sister is there, so I won't have to pay for a hotel. I'm kind of really excited! I think it'll be good for me to spend some time away from everything and just have a break free of worry.
Yay for a finished post!! :D
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Commissioned to do Some Henna!!
I'm sitting on the toilet, listening to Matt Kearney's "Runaway," typing this, because I'm kind of freaking out, and this is my attempt to calm myself down...
So I've been commissioned to do bridal henna for a bride for her traditional Indian wedding, which means my henna designs have to be fucking kick-ass. While I can do pretty good designs, and I can copy pictures pretty well, I can still mess designs up because I haven't really had as much experience doing specifically bridal henna.......eeeeeek!!
But I took the job anyways, because I need monies, and I can probably actually do a good job, I just have this thing where I pschye myself out of EVERYTHING.
By the ways, I'm typing this in Internet Explorer, so if I spell things wrong, it's because I've become too dependent on the spell-correcting feature on Firefox....eh.
If I remember, I'll update on how it goes today..............................................asdlkfj;alsdkjf;alsdkfj;ldsajfa;sdlkf j;asdlkjfa;sdlkfj a;lsdkfj;adslkjfa;ldsfj;alsdkfj asd
***EDIT***
I did some KICK-ASS henna for the bride, and I did some KICK-ASS henna for the other guests at their party. I got $375 for about 13hrs of work...not including the 4hrs of drive time it took over the two days. I think I'll have to include gas next time....AND raise my prices! but, I am $300 richer, so I'm pretty happy right now, as well as, finally, confident in my ability to do good henna. I just need to keep doing it, if I take too long of breaks in between doing henna, I lose my creative juices, and I just end up with crappy designs. So, next time, I'll make sure to practice on people before I go for another big commission.
Hey! I did something! I set myself out there, I marketed myself and my abilities, I freaked out a lot, but I followed through, regardless of the consequences, and turns out, I did a really good job. I accomplished something, and I did it really well! Turns out money can do a lot to motivate a person.
So I've been commissioned to do bridal henna for a bride for her traditional Indian wedding, which means my henna designs have to be fucking kick-ass. While I can do pretty good designs, and I can copy pictures pretty well, I can still mess designs up because I haven't really had as much experience doing specifically bridal henna.......eeeeeek!!
But I took the job anyways, because I need monies, and I can probably actually do a good job, I just have this thing where I pschye myself out of EVERYTHING.
By the ways, I'm typing this in Internet Explorer, so if I spell things wrong, it's because I've become too dependent on the spell-correcting feature on Firefox....eh.
If I remember, I'll update on how it goes today..............................................asdlkfj;alsdkjf;alsdkfj;ldsajfa;sdlkf j;asdlkjfa;sdlkfj a;lsdkfj;adslkjfa;ldsfj;alsdkfj asd
***EDIT***
I did some KICK-ASS henna for the bride, and I did some KICK-ASS henna for the other guests at their party. I got $375 for about 13hrs of work...not including the 4hrs of drive time it took over the two days. I think I'll have to include gas next time....AND raise my prices! but, I am $300 richer, so I'm pretty happy right now, as well as, finally, confident in my ability to do good henna. I just need to keep doing it, if I take too long of breaks in between doing henna, I lose my creative juices, and I just end up with crappy designs. So, next time, I'll make sure to practice on people before I go for another big commission.
Hey! I did something! I set myself out there, I marketed myself and my abilities, I freaked out a lot, but I followed through, regardless of the consequences, and turns out, I did a really good job. I accomplished something, and I did it really well! Turns out money can do a lot to motivate a person.
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